I'm not sure which forum this belongs in but will post it here.
Just wondering – is there any connection between boys who were unusually early or late going through puberty and a higher incidence of CSA?
It seems to me that many of my issues stem from being an “early bloomer” physically. I appeared to be sexually mature in size and secondary characteristics in “that” area much earlier than my peers – like by the age of 11. When most of them were just starting, or hadn’t started to develop yet, I looked finished below the belt. But the rest of my body – height, weight, and other proportions were still very immature and normal for my age. I felt like a freak.
I think this also made me more of a target for pervs and perps. I became the unwilling center of unwanted attention and a magnet for verbal harassment, physical and emotional bullying and sexual experimentation and molestation.
And as a result, I have a continuing fixation on my appearance and size and comparison with other guys and a fear and extreme self-consciousness and shame of being seen naked, even though the rest of my body eventually caught up.
I know this also has been a big factor in periodically searching out gay porn sites where many of the models pictured are above average in size. I could reassure myself that I was not the only one and that gave me a sense of “normalcy” in spite of a very abnormal situation. Even better, I could see that these guys were admired, envied and idolized instead of being subject to the humiliation I experienced. Maybe an attempt on my part to re-write history by identifying with them instead of being my uncomfortable self?
I know that some of the CSA events in my life would have happened anyway because they were based on opportunity and I just happened to be the available boy body that was present and vulnerable. But numerous others seemed to happen BECAUSE I was such a novelty and physical prodigy.
Any studies or articles that you all know of on this topic?
"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself... And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity." - Paulo Coelho