I'm not sure which forum this belongs in but will post it here.
Just wondering – is there any connection between boys who were unusually early or late going through puberty and a higher incidence of CSA?
It seems to me that many of my issues stem from being an “early bloomer” physically. I appeared to be sexually mature in size and secondary characteristics in “that” area much earlier than my peers – like by the age of 11. When most of them were just starting, or hadn’t started to develop yet, I looked finished below the belt. But the rest of my body – height, weight, and other proportions were still very immature and normal for my age. I felt like a freak.
I think this also made me more of a target for pervs and perps. I became the unwilling center of unwanted attention and a magnet for verbal harassment, physical and emotional bullying and sexual experimentation and molestation.
And as a result, I have a continuing fixation on my appearance and size and comparison with other guys and a fear and extreme self-consciousness and shame of being seen naked, even though the rest of my body eventually caught up.
I know this also has been a big factor in periodically searching out gay porn sites where many of the models pictured are above average in size. I could reassure myself that I was not the only one and that gave me a sense of “normalcy” in spite of a very abnormal situation. Even better, I could see that these guys were admired, envied and idolized instead of being subject to the humiliation I experienced. Maybe an attempt on my part to re-write history by identifying with them instead of being my uncomfortable self?
I know that some of the CSA events in my life would have happened anyway because they were based on opportunity and I just happened to be the available boy body that was present and vulnerable. But numerous others seemed to happen BECAUSE I was such a novelty and physical prodigy.
Any studies or articles that you all know of on this topic?
As my life goes on I believe somehow something's changed
Something deep inside...
I've been searchin so long to find an answer
Now I know my life has meaning
Now I see myself as I am, feeling very free...
When my tears have come to an end I will understand
What I left behind: a part of me. Chicago