I am at the end of my 12 session with my VA Therapist on Prolonged Cognitive Therapy. She tells me that I've made great progress and showed me a chart as to where I rated myself 12 weeks ago and how it looked over the sessions. I am happy that I did it, as it helped me to organize myself and my feelings. That said, along with organizing my thoughts, I thought that I'd be better that I would be "healed". However the shock of it all was that the therapy was to help me develop skills to deal with my abuse. I guess I feel foolish to have thought that I'd be cured. I guess you are never cured, just suppose to be wiser on how to deal with triggers and feelings as they arise.
When I was asked to write my story. I had to write it twice. First time was 8 pages and I thought it was a fair walk through the traumatic events that brought me here. However, my therapist saw many gaping holes in the story. I guess I was just too afraid to "go there"!
My next writing was 15 pages and a much more graphic and painful walk through memory lane. I almost felt like I couldn't make it.
Tomorrow is my last session, Week Number 12 and I have been ask to deal with the issue of intimacy. I found that the more I thought and the more I tried to write the more I felt like, and do right now, crying and running into the highway. I was to write about 7 stuck points and work through them. But I just can't seem to get past the first one. Im sitting here tonight, at McDonalds and am doing everything I can to keep from crying. Im waiting for my wife to get off, because intimacy is more about her getting the raw end of the stick...well I dunno.
I just wish it would all gooooooooooo away. I don't know, why it happened, had to happen, and how it is to make me a better person.
If you've been through this prolong cognitive therapy. Can you help me understand what I gotta be missing, because I don't feel too good tonight.
Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.