I posted a few days ago after having just found out that my husband went through csa. We have yet to actually discuss what happened aside from hints he gave me that day that indicate it was physical. I suspect I know what the hints mean, but I don't want to go into details. I remain angry that his mother punished him for what happened to him, but I don't know what to do about that yet.
Yesterday he told me we would talk about all of it in the future. Since the time he has told me nothing but good things have come out of his confiding in me. I know this was a burden that he carried with him, denied, and tried to forget while wanting to tell me many, many times. From reading online about what this kind of trauma can lead to I understand him so much more.
The two of us have been very close for our entire 5 year marriage, but sometimes he would get angry and withdrawn for a couple of days and then be back to normal. I always chalked it up to the abuse his mom put him through. This I understand. I was beaten by my mom until I moved out at 18. I know what it feels like to be made powerless.
A few years ago I became very ill and had to have multiple surgeries involving a very delicate part of my body that made sitting and doing most activities impossible. Doctors abused me. I wouldn't call it sexual abuse, but it was so close that it felt like I was raped. I have never said that aloud to anyone except my husband or my therapist, but it is true. I don't say it in meaning to appropriate or deny what rape is, but just to convey the violation I experienced in my body. Anyhow, I developed PTSD. My husband has been there for me through it in an incredible way. He took care of me while I recovered physically and made me feel safe emotionally.
The thing is while I don't understand sexual abuse from a child's perspective, I do know how powerlessness completely alters a person's life. PTSD is a disorder of the body and our bodily memory as much as it is part of the mind (which is physical too, despite what people may believe).
None of this is something that can just be overcome immediately or willed away. None of this is something that truly happened in the past for those of us who have been through abuse. I still have flashbacks and I know he does too. It can reach the point that it is in the past, but it takes time. I still can't walk in a doctor's office or watch a movie with an extended medical scene.
I'm not sure what his recovery will look like, but I know that my husband feels telling me was a move that helped him. He said he feels like our relationship has gone through a baptism.
For now we are using e-mail back and forth to talk about the more serious things like figuring out a recovery plan for us to undertake. It's important to him that I'm there supporting him and going through this with him. That's such a key issue for him, as so much of his problem is that no one was there for him, his mom didn't believe him and he has felt alone.
Thanks for listening.