i am in hell. I have tried everything i can think of to feel better, but i feel powerless. I am poor, I am alone, I have no status, my body is in pain, i have nothing. I have no power over my life, i am completely helpless. I dont know how to fight anymore, i feel like im going to die, like all this pain is going to kill me. I dont feel like things are ever going to get any better. I have no hope of justice. My mother is never going to be convicted of anything. i am past the statute of limitations, i have horrible recolection, and even if she wear convited with every single act of molestation she ever commited she wouldnt get more than 5 years. Tell me why i shouldnt kill her? I cant bring myself to do it, and even if i could, i would have to risk prison, but at the same time, i cant see it as wrong. I believe in capital punishment, and i think violent rape and torture are capital crimes. She should die, but instead i have to live with the the knowledge that she is going to live a long time, until the herion finnally kills her, probably just from accelerated aging and the stress of doing drugs. She wont OD, she will probably just die a little young. How am i supposed to believe in justice now?
How am i supposed to be happy? I am sick of just surviving. Damn it, nobody gives a damn about me, nobody who knows me cares about me. What the hell do i do? nothing works. my room is thrashed and probably smells bad. i havent shaved in week, i have been showering but it is hard. I cant wake up until after noon because i wont let myself sleep at night. I know i am angry but i dont know how to be angry, i want to hit something. Where are all these miracles of incest survival, id like to meet one damn person who is leading a "happy and fufilling lifestyle" after going through this. Where are our happy successfull young urban professionals? Whats the best i can hope for huh? a shitty little house with a wife of convienence and children to tell "tough shit" when the come to me with thier hopes and dreams? Or am i just going to get hit by a car tommorow, and be listed in the obitutuaries as joe who gives a fuck. If my choices matter so much then tell me what difference do they make? If i die tommorow nobody will remember me, nobody will care. I would be lucky if five people showed up, my abusers and thier pep squad. Where the hell is tommorow? Sometimes i honestly dont think life is worth the effort. Maybe for some people it is better that they die, that they are spared the suffering of an existance devoid of joy. A kitten died in our back yard, born blind a few days ago. I am so fucking stubborn, i dont think i can kill myself, i dont think that i have that option anymore because i have been hanging on so long. I think it is burned into my mind, and i hate myself for it. Right now i cant create, i cant understand, i cant observe or love, i am just a stubborn ball of frustration and pain.
Im crying now. I dont mean the things i say, but i cant help but to say them anyways. I just dont know what to do. Fucking fourth of july. Wonder what christmas is going to be like. God thats almost funny. ill put the smile here even i cant do it myself, cause i just want to see it.