I received a Thanksgiving e-mail yesterday from The New School. I've been accepted.
Let the roller coaster begin. Already I've shifted into the mode I always do when something good happens to me. Deep inside I see the disgusting creature they made me so long ago and feel that the sub-human thing I am doesn't deserve anything worthwhile.
I always thought feeling this way when good things happen is normal. Many of you know this and also know handling it is not merely a matter of "getting over it" and accepting and enjoying good.
I still work in my therapy sessions with this. It is hard work to think someday I really can be happy and comfortable with myself. Personally, I really believe its impossible. Everyday it amazes and puzzles me that I wake up and amazes me even more that I can get out of bed. That's the real me.
I'm sorry. This is not meant to be the appetizer of yet another one of my pity parties. It's just that deep inside so much is happening inside me and I am overwhelmed. It's a mix of so many emotions and they are all conflicting for attention. I don't like handling it. I still don't know if I can.
I am questioning everything now. EVERYTHING. I don't know who I am. I am remembering more details of the abuses, which are more and more revolting than I could have imagined. I understand fully now why I am a sham, a vile piece of $#!+ pretending to be a nice, decent human being. Why should things like being accepted at the school I applied to happen? It doesn't seem just. I had braced myself for rejection and wehn I got the e-mail I panicked and got scared. All I can think is, who the hell do I think I am to think I can afford college when I have no job and few, if any, prospects? My view of myself is a lazy lying useless "thing" trying to pass off as something genuine and living.
Boy, this has not gone in the direction I expected. The anxiety is building. I am going to have to pump up denial, which for the past several weeks has been a method I've fallen back on heavily. The memories are THAT awful. I'm scared. My life has become too much to handle and I feel like i won't handle it.
I'm sorry this post went this way. I'm really sorry.