Jan 4, was my 2nd day on the new job. I was busy, scared and sleepy and trying to go about this new job after not having worked for a year in a regular job. I chatted with a close friend of mine in email that afternoon which I remember so clearly about his dog.. which had been sick and he had for so many years ... he told me that he had to put this dog to sleep... one that I had spent a lot of hours with.... it broke my heart as it broke his.... but I tried to comfort and encourage him.

I went home sort of drained but glad it was the weekend and I could sleep, rest up and get ready for a first full week of work on Monday. The evening went by and because Chocolate Lasagna at the Olive Garden is some of my favorite stuff, I called - ordered a piece and went to pick it up.. It was delicious.. After coming back home, I just sat for awhile, taking life easy.. thinking about my friend and his nice little dog, gypsy.

Then the phone rang.... it was my younger brother. I was so excited because I had not talked to him in two years... he would not return my calls or answer my emails... and so I was very happy....

happy that is until I heard him say that he had some bad news... and if I get through this next part, consider yourself very fortunate... because this is hard to write

The words ... mom was killed in a car accident today ... were uttered! Life stopped for me at that moment. It was pure shock! It was unbelievable! I was speechless.. I didn't know what to say or what to think or what to feel! I wasn't prepared for this. You see I had always hoped that my mom and I could one day sit down and talk about everything... and you see so much of who I am is because of my mom... it was who she was... so much of it.... so much of it...

That was an excruciatingly hard day and that phone call, that day will never lose a place in my memory.. it is as vivid today as it was 6 months ago.... and I just realized that today is 6 months ago.....

It still hurts,,, it still brings tears flooding into my eyes... it still makes me miss her... it still just doesn't seem believable... and I so badly wish I could turned back the clock of time and somehow stop the car accident that she was in.... and it makes me angry,,, because well so much got taken from me... so much that I longed for will never be there... no matter what, it is now gone forever and I must carry only memories on in my mind.

My family is by blood and genetics only as they don't acknowledge my existance. For I have spoken out against what the members of the family did. I have broken the silence and by breaking the silence, I have had to journey forward on my own, creating my own family and my own friends!

My mom and I hadn't spoken in 10 years... I think she knew more than I realized about what had been done to me, but she was living in fear of her life from the evil one as well. It hurt than and it still hurts now... There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about this.......

And yes, I'm crying right now because it hurts.....

6 months later - well I am making it! Never thought I would on that infamous day in January... but I am. I'm learning a lot about myself that I did not know. I'm seeing a lot in life that I could not see. I'm feeling a lot of the good things that my mom brought into my life which were not seen before. There are so many things that make up myself as a person, as a human as a caring individual that have their roots in who my mom is as a person, a human and a mother. Even in the midst of all which was horrible and evil, she was my mom; she loved me deeply and she did try. We both faced the same evil day after day and the strength we had was not enough to overcome it.

It is a very scary feeling to know that I am alone in this world without my mom. I know it is part of growing up and moving forward but it is scary. At the same time, I know that as I look beyound this world, she is there and I know as I talk to her, she does listen...

and I know that she knows how much I loved her and how much I miss her...

but that January day will be the day that changed my life forever and charted my life on a new course - one which is just at the beginning.

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

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