I guess the therapist is right. I'm an analyzer by nature. I try to be careful with it, sometimes I can lose myself in the details...

This isn't from the two lists he has me working on, but it kind of came out of those lists. Things I'm really starting to notice now, and things I've figured out that they're related to. The issue is, yeah, I've figured them out and noticed them, but I don't know how to go about repairing it. And it's infuriating.

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1.) Belts. Can't do belts anymore. I've gone over to suspenders. I never used to have an issue with belts. But I can't touch them anymore. One of the things they did was rip the belt off my slacks and use it on me like a choke collar and leash. Haven't been able to stand them ever since. Can't wear them. Can't touch them. It comes flying back at me in full living color if I try. I've gotten rid of all of mine as a result.

2.) Can't stand the smell of vanilla anymore. One of the girls smelled like that.

3.) Can't stand jasmine either for the same reason, one of the other girls smelled like it.

4.) I can't do groups. I get crazy around them. Edgy, antsy, like I can't settle down. Like I'm getting smothered. I always end up either yelling at someone and walking away, or just running from the situation altogether. It's bad even with people I know - it's a hundred times worse if it's groups of people I'm not familiar with. There was eight of them in my case. Even the chatroom here, I tried one night, had a very hard time with it.

Even a grocery store is hard. I only last a few minutes, and then I'm bolting for the door. I usually wind up having to pick up my groceries in multiple trips. As in, only a few minutes in the store at a time, pay for what I've got, get outside into the car and give myself a few minutes, then go back in.

5.) Touch. Unless it's from my kids or my sis, I pull back quickly. I keep a lot of physical space between me and other people now.

6.) Beer. Can't STAND the smell of it anymore. It was all over one of the males, he was drunk off his ass, and strung out on something, to boot. I smell it, and I get nauseous as hell, if not actually puke. Guess it's a good thing I was never much of a drinker.

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No amount of telling myself these things are 'fine' works. I've even tried telling myself that it's letting them win if I freak out over it or run from it. That doesn't seem to work either. If I try the exposure-to-desensitize thing with it, I get crazy. They bring things back hardcore. Like moving pictures and sounds in the mind. Hell, sometimes the sensations come with it. Any combination of it. Might just be visuals, might just be the sounds, might just be the sensations - there's times I can still feel blows landing and things like that.

Acquired phobias? I think that's what they are. Haven't had much luck with strategies for dealing with them though. Is this common or am I just a schmuck and letting it bother me too much? It ticks me off something awful. I feel like it SHOULDN'T bother me, it's letting them win, it's giving them an after-the-fact laugh. But I haven't found anything yet that works for making it NOT bother me.

Going to bring it up to the therapist on the next session, I guess. I've only had two meetings with him so far, the next one isn't for two weeks, so I wrote it down on a notepad paper that's up on my fridge so I don't forget about it.

I don't think I'm really looking for a response. I just needed to air this stuff I guess. And talking out loud about it doesn't seem to work, the words don't make it past my throat. But I seem able to write. So.. I'm writing.



Edited by TheTwoOfUs (12/14/11 05:02 AM)
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Matthew

Adapt. Overcome. Survive.