Today I spoke with my aunt to check on how my grandmother is doing. She is 92 years old and I always like to just stay in touch since I don't manage to get over and visit in person. The conversation turned out to be less about my grandmother (who is doing fine) and more about my uncle....my abuser. He was diagnosed with lupus a few years back and apparently was recently hospitalized for kidney failure. My aunt confirmed that he wasn't doing well at all....and proceeded to say things like "poor guy" and "we feel so bad for him". Now I can't be frustrated with my aunt, she has no clue about what happened between us....she is completely in the dark. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt a little to hear her say that. At the same time I was flooded with thoughts about what would happen if he just died. Some very small part of me thought that I might live with regret if I didn't confront this issue with him and the family before that happened. I question what the point would be to disclose the truth after he was gone, and would people really believe me at that point, since he wasn't there to confirm...or deny poorly? At the same time, I was overwhelmed and so anxious thinking about confrontation and disclosure while he was still around....because it's something I am not even remotely prepared to deal with. I'm also hesitant to even write it out here because I know that for every survivor who might have the same fears about this topic as I do, there is someone else who had the courage to do it and was empowered by it. I guess I don't want to try to be convinced from either side....and I also don't want to disappoint anyone.....or disappoint myself. Just a frustrating day.
"Place your past into a book
Put in everything you ever took
Place your past into a book
Burn the pages let them cook"