My CSA that I had to endure has caused me not only to have the usual fallout one gets from a traumatic experience but also something that has been bothering me for the past 45 years that no one seems to be able to help, and until now I have been too embarrassed to mention. Thanks to my father, ever since I could remember and even to this day I have always felt disgust at being male and have had fantasies, intrusive thoughts and wishes that I was born a female. I know that sounds f'd up but it causes me a lot of anxiety. All throughout my life, the only friends that I have had were female. I have a constant fear and distrust of men which is maybe why i am more comfortable around females. It is NOT in a sexual sense but more of i am 'one of the girls' sense. I like doing 'girly' things, watching 'girly' movies, wearing clothes that are considered to be more 'girly', however i dont crossdress or anything like that. My wife always gets on my case for not having any guy friends and only female friends, and I have been teased unmercifully (by other guys )throughout my life because of being feminine, being called names like pussy, sissy, girl, cunt, etc. It also doesnt help that my parents gave me a girl's name (i think deep down they wanted a daughter). Many times i am able to find comfort being feminine even with the embarrassment and teasing. If anyone else has been affected in this way it would be nice to know that i am not alone or a freak of nature.
-DH