Today i was thinking of just checking to see stuff in my hotmail and stuff. I dont have a computer, so i visited my parents. I HATE MY SICK FATHER! One day it is my mom and today it is my dad. He makes me sick. I think he is a pedophile too/ and has homosexuality issues. He is so irresponsible to this.
I went to do some grocery shopping with him. I hate it when i am quiet in my brain or whatever... why do i care? I mean
there are billions of people. This fucking asshole has a good life. I have no girlfriend, and from what about to say lot of guys will say " You are queer my man"! My dad never cared for me.. when i was 10 he put me in soccer ( football) . I didnt like it. When i was 11 i told him i was interested in gymnastics.. he grabs my stomach and says "you are too fat for gymnastics". I hate this entire thing called family.
I dont want to even know if there is such as a great family.
I dont want to know. I told my friend last night i was suicidal at 9 years old. Fucking 9.
My dad watched the final women's match in Football today, which took place in Germany.
I dont want my dad. I dont want my mom. I dont want my brother. I dont want anymore of this. I came here ,went on his computer.... i am scared, i could kill
i am so lonely.......... i never had a friend so i am supposed to fucking forget everything? How my mom smacked me all the time growing up. She spit on me 1990 i was 15 saying i was like just my Uncle ( the pedophile). I dont know how i didnt break down and cry then. I remember in 1983/4 i was 9 , after a falling out with my brother i felt a Psychotic breakdown coming....psychotic... the fucking asshole.
I dont like him. I dont know , i wish i could kill. I dontknow what everyone is going through..
Maybe everyone is okay. Maybe i shouldnt ask so many questions. My mom would always hit me when i did ask too many questions. I hated going to school.. i always shut down my conscious ,, i vivdly feel this. This was scary. I dont want to shut down; it isnt working, for me. It isnt helping.
I am tired of eating , so i dont scare my mom, and him. I am always so scared of them. He felt me up. He didnt like it that he did, he did though. Who would believe me. My brother would always say to me " Stop feeling sorry for yourself". My birthday was a few days ago i bought flowers for mysself, i liked this. I even gave myself a happy birthday voicemail. I never really had friends growing up.
What scares me is guys penises. In grade 7 when we changed in the guys changeroom i remmeber some guys were already developing and i was very , very much in non - exsistent . I was frantic " what is wrong with me..? why am i so like female like? Sho is going to help me? yelling , needing to get out, somewhere? Where?
Each day going home there was something.. nobody was home.
I dont know how but i discovered my dad had a very large collection of porn. This was the end of my needing to get help as a preteen boy! I needed someone NOW! AND quick!
All the time .. i guess as i watched it felt he was doing this to me.. and my dad's brother and sister-in-law would always beat me-Psychologically. It was mean and frightening. I hated myself ..i didnt know to turn the guys off on the screeen or to start touching my body part. What do i do?
I am weak. I cant stand this. this was 1987. 1987.
I am 37 . It is what 24 years later and this is scary. And when i dont get mail in the internet i feel like someone will find out and pick me up and say " you are coming with me".

That is what it was. What i never told anyone here is there was a time that i was kidnapped by a stranger when i was 7 or 8 as well, but b/c some neghbourhood kids saw there were cops at the apartment where the guy had me. Still it was traumatic.
My brother doesnt give a shit; about my dad's sister-in-law and the kidnapping and the brainwashing they did... " oh you a a bad girl" as they would say laughing. My dad absolutley seen them put girl clothing on me and giggled with them..
IS THIS A FUCKING FATHER OR A PIECE OF GARBAGE"?
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU DO? CALL THE COPS? HOW? His piece of crap mother laughed in on me as well..
i started to dress automatically to have them laugh at me sometime after. because their was no home!!! I had nothing.
I dont know how.. one time a road trip to the airport when i was a kid with my brother in the back seat, when we arrived in our small town i woke up and asked my parents " are we in Los Angeles? " what and where in the fuck does a kid no about Los Angeles at 7 or 8 years old.

I DONT WANT KIDS! NEVER! I LIKE VACCAHASAN ( i dont know how to spell his name properly). I wish somehow the symptooms of this craving to fuck up little kids can comoe forward and we see how we can reduce this / help it . The kids are scared they need help. Severe help. I know i do. I have a problem.
When i visit my parents place i want to get naked...
This is disgusting so i tried regular porn ,, this didnt feel so good . So off i went to the porn on the net... only with guys. I cant do this, anymore i neeed help.
I dont know how other guys do it or did it. I am weak. I am!
I have no home, yet i do. I am afraid of my mom and dad. I cant keep secrets. My best friend supports in keeping secrets. I have this aweful thoughts of sick writings where it destoys my parents culture ( serbia/macedonia). I do. Sometimes it feels good. I feel sometimes there should be a license before people decide to have a child. Maybe i am way in the deep end and fucked up. But i would love these fucking sick retards of my dad and mom and their relations , to be punished somehow..and i would like it if they heard this. And heard that it came from ME! I hate my dad's culture, i hate his family. I even thought of divorcing all ties. But my therapist once said to me " even if you changed your last name, it would not change what happend to you" .
So where is the ffriend? my grandma and brother didnt like it if i had a friend.. i was not allowed to have a friend . so now what?