You Boys, You men, you break my heart.
It absolutely breaks my heart to read these horrid, so mind blowingly sickening experiences you all have had to suffer as a child and still do.
And that is why feel, I need to write for the first time in internet forums ever, now in this page.
I do not have children and the reason for that is I had enough common sense to not to have them before I am emotionally, mentally and financially completely ready to have them.
Never been in any particular hurry though, since I already got in my mind from my 30's that adopting would be better option for me anyway. I do not make too much difference, who has given birth to a child, and there is too many children born into this world already in orphanage homes, every day waiting to somebody to come for them and have family.
Irony in this world and the hole motherhood thing for me is, that lots of stable, sound maternal women do not end up having children from the reason above and how many there is women, who can't even handle their own lives, go and get pregnant and give birth. Many of these women, as your stories here testify, have ZERO maternal instinct and what is discusting that not only they have enough love in them to protect they own children, they actually ABUSE THEM THEMSELVES. These women are criminals, not mothers. They are seriously mentally ill, unloving and obviously unable to understand their mental state, which makes them so dangerous. You boys/men are like my husband (who was sexually abused by his "mother") , YOU DID/DO NOT HAVE A MOTHER. You lived with a criminal, who never deserved to keep the child they gave birth to. In my opinion a woman, who has not been acting like mother, does not deserve to be called one.
MOTHERHOOD IS NOT BIOLOGY , it is A STATE OF MIND. An attitude. Mothers love, protect and nurture children. It is for women who are able to put their childs needs before their own.
I wish I could understand, why is this world so twisted, that the nature automaticly gives a woman to ability to fertilize, but not ability to love the child. It is unnatural. Shouldn't love be inbred in women, whom has this much power over another human life?
SO, I am writing this in hope, that any of you boys/men reading this could restore some sort of believe that there is LOVING, CARING, KIND women out there. Many men think, that the finest quality in women is maternity, they just don#t necessary know it. It almost seems to be like a symbol to feminity. In my opinion, it is good to look these qualities in girfriends, wife, or female friends. It has nothing to do with wanting your wife to be your motherfigure. For me for example ( and I am a woman) it is one the qualities I look instincly in my female friends. How they are with loved ones, if they cook for them, worry about them, and especially how are they with they animals. If the woman do not have a compassion (real not only words) for an innocent child or animal, I have no time for them.
In my marriage, I AM IN EVERY WAYS THE EXACT OPPOSITE of my husbands "mother". That would be a good guidance for any men being sexually abused by women. There is no reason to hate all women, that will only hurt yourself. There is notjing more fulfilling than being in equal, loving, caring relaisonship. To have somebody to really share your life with, to play with, to laugh with, to travel with or to grow with, whatever..lots of good women you can trust and love. It is give and take.
You just have to KEEP YOUR EYES open, follow your instinct, look for the signs! Keep your eyes open..listen. You KNOW in your heart who loves you and who does not.
I have heard my husbands "mother" to say to him that "she loves him". Words "I LOVE YOU" have too many times USED AS A TOOL to control people. In this "mothers" case the "love" stopped when he did not break up with me, woke up from his 40 years long denial and confronted her. No more "love" was coming to his way, the woman completely abandoned him, denying any abuse. My husband was dumped to an orphanage home at the age of zero by his "mother", who then later on took him back when he was 6. Her explanation was, when confronting her about the sexual abuse "somebody else was abusing you in that home". However, there was no emotion! She did not try to comfort him, worry about his mantal state of mind..to get help for him, not try to find this fantasy abuser, who has hurt her child..NOTHING!! ACTIONS SPEAK!!
It has BEEN VERY CLEAR SINCE to my husband (no more excuses for her) that SHE DOES NOT LOVE HIM or even have any maternal instincs what so ever. Discusting unnatural individual.
On top of that, my husband remembers exactly where the masturbation happened and even her discusting facial expressions. Her hands, the pain, the guilt. You know unfortunately, what im talking about..
So , THESE women, these "mothers" did NOT LOVE YOU and you SHOULD NOT WASTE YOUR TIME AND LOVE THEM back. SAVE YOUR love to somebody who DESERVES it.
Love is SIMPLE, and it is very easy to recognize.
When somebody loves you, YOU FEEL GOOD about yourself, it makes you feel SAFE and makes you feel CONFIDENT. It makes you feel accepted, it makes you feel HAPPY !!!! IT MAKES YOU FEEL FREE !!!
In a loving enviroment you are free to grow, develop, and learn. This opportunity was taken away from my husband, just like it was taken away from you as a child, BUT ALL this is possible TO DO later on in life.
FIND people, who make you feel better . INSPIRE YOU TO BE A BETTER PERSON!
Avoid people who drag you down or control you. (your "mother" ?)
Avoid people who want to hurt you or are too needy to give any love back. (your "mother"?)
GET HELP, the is lots of good psychiatrist out there. If you are in the position to pay for it, DO IT. My husband has a FANTASTIC relaisonship with his male psychiatrist, He has a NEW LIFE, he is succesful professional. He finished his studies, he is free and happy!!
IT IS A LONG ROAD TO RECOVERY, so SEEK HELP NOW.
Your abusers have already stolen so much of your time, stolen much of your life. Reserved too much of your energy (you could have used it to studying, self deveplopment or just simply happy living instead!), STOP THEM. Do not give them ANY MORE POWER by not seeking help. Push them out of your life, LOVE YOURSELF. You were not put on this earth to suffer in the hands of anybody, you have a chance to have a happy life just like the rest of us. FIGHT!
Learn to know who you are and most IMPORTANTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO BECOME and start building your life little by little with the help of therapist and GOOD friends.
Trinfast2010 had an excellent way of coping. I support you and know you will heal soon, when you concentrate on positives and do not give up. It is really tough, but never give up on good honest life.
I think, ANYBODY can be in denial, anybody can swim in misery, feel sorry for themselves, lie, cheat, be an asshole, that does not need any talent, srentgh or is ANYWAY SPECIAL. DOING THE RIGHT THING, being honest to yourself, work trough your issues is much more difficult and deserves respect. Choose to be a winner!
Being in the happy relaisonship (hetero or gay) with your wife or partner is sometimes challenging, but i think with love, honesty, understanding and kindness it is so much easier. I love my husband. He is my dream come true. His past means nothing to me. I wish he never had to go trough those horrows with that criminal, but at the same time it has made him a stronger person, who has much better insight to his own behaviour and as you may already know, WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN IN HELL, YOU CAN REALLY LOVE AND APPRECIATE GOOD LIFE!
LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF AND OTHERS and the rest comes naturally.
I always follow this:
Nelson Mandela "you can not always remember what people said or what they did, but you remember how they made you feel"
that's it. If this reply helps even a little bit any one of you..it was worth it. You all, Take care of yourself!