I've posted my story here before but to summarize, I was sexually abused as an early teen by two men from the internet, and it continued for a couple of years. This occurred during a very emotional time for me as I had recently lost my father and these individuals preyed on my need for that kind of connection in my life, and their actions greatly twisted my perceptions on what that relationship is.
But aside from that, I have always believed I was abused long before that but am unable to remember it. When I think back on those two guys I became entangled with, I think some part of me was predisposed to thinking that what they were doing was normal. I think I have always equated paternal love with sex and that cannot simply be an accident. Hopefully that makes sense but I'm not sure.
I am 30 years old and don't consider myself gay. I would say I'm definitely bisexual because, right or wrong, the experiences I had in those early teen years solidified themselves in my mind and have been repeated many times since, as part of me will always be attracted to that, I think. But I do not get emotionally attached to men at all.
The issue on my mind is whether or not a specific attraction stems from an event or trigger caused by an experience. I'm asking because while I maintain relationships with women (as much as I can anyway), I have always had a strong sexual attraction to specific types of men with very specific looks/ personalities. And my attraction to men is limited specifically to this type.
The thing is, neither my father nor the two other men match this "type" that has always been in my head, almost at a subconscious level. It is so strong and so pervasive that at this point I've started to wonder if it is ingrained in my mind for a reason. Is it possible that I feel this way because of something that happened to me caused by a man who shares these characteristics?
I'm at the point where I'm lost as to what to do. Like I said, this is not an emotional attraction in terms of "love" and "relationship" emotion. It's more of a sexual attraction combined with a 'father figure' thing which even as I type, sounds twisted. But the point is to get answers so I'm being as honest as I can. I know that it's not normal to look at an individual and feel both of those things, so it has to stem from somewhere.
Can an attraction like this stem from a specific abuser?