Greetings to my MS family,

Can you spare a minute or two for me? Guess I'm looking for some reassurance/validation/hand holding or whatever......Anyway....

I've had this nagging feeling for a really long time--like since I was a kid--that there's something wrong in my world...you know, really wrong.....in MY world.

That there's something out of place,not right, missing, hidden. obscurely maleficent. There's this creepy faintly menacing, somewhat threatening aura to IT--- whatever IT is.

Sort of like a dark cloud appearing suddenly in a clear blue sky, passing in front of the sun....

I know and understand with help that some of this ongoing 'paranoia' with life can be attributed most rightly in the context of my unprocessed memories of sexual abuse, neglect and self destructive behaviors.

Those things would be enough to last any good neurotic like me a life time! ;\)

But I'm not being sexually abused now--not being sexual at all in fact except occasionally masturbating when I can allow that to happen.

After lots of help and much work, I now do an excellent job of paying attention to and taking care of my needs so I don't neglect my physical, mental, emotional or spiritual health.

Over the last 11 years or so I've dropped lots of my former very self destructive behaviors--the compulsive drinking, nicotine addiction, dangerous sexual behavior--
hell, I'm even giving up on my nightly ice cream!
Low fat yoghurt tastes similar but not quite the same......

So why the hell does this feeling keep coming up?

More to the point, besides not letting this creeping suspicion of incipient doom rule my world, you know not letting the obsessive thoughts take hold......

Do you all have any similar feelings and what specifically do you do to break this kind of slip back into the "old" way of perceiving myself and the world?


To keep this current, I should add that I've been having this type of 'feeling of impending loss/catastrophe/hurt' visiting the web site here at MS lately......

Is it my imagination, or just a fluke in the rhythm of life, that the boards are really very much less active than a month or so ago....?

I have this little nagging feeling that this good thing that has come into my life is going to be taken away from me.....this seems very unlikely in a rational way....yet that little fear casts it's shadow in my sunniest moments. Maybe that's just a part of life, who knows?
Maybe it's summer vacation time and people are out playing and not, as I would like to imagine, planning on ways to make sure Danny stays miserable? \:D \:o

I'm not going to let this ruin my summer fun...I had so much fun yesterday....see post on public board......to guard against my mind spinning out of control with this stuff I just wanted to put this out there for some feedback.

Any insights or input would be greatly appreciated!

Must add too that there is also a nice feeling of comfort to sit down here and see that my buddies are still here.......very good reality check for me......thank you all for being a really positive part of my real world today....the imaginary world spawned in my brain by the emotional patterns of sexual victimization are so fucking bankrupt I can hardly stand them.....yet they seem to not want to entirely go away.

Wonder why I insist on continuing to invite them to spoil my little parties?????

Glad you're reading this. Glad to feel a part of a larger whole.

Thanks to my brothers,


Your compadre,

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White