I too have had the same feelings my entire life but I am now moving into friendships with men. I was molested at 13 by a stranger and had sex with men for about 11 years. Even after the sex stopped and I was thinking of women, I was still attracted to sex with men but conflicted about it too because I knew that I didn't really want to have sex but my body did and part of my brain did but I also knew it was soul-killing for me and really a longing to be attached emotionally to my being a man.
Very confusing stuff. Very, very, very isolating stuff. I get it. I've been alone for a very long time and I am now moving out of it. I've done work with a therapist, I've read the literature on SSA and I am part of a email group where all of the men are dealing with SSA, some having been abused, some not.
I developed an addiction and through dealing with that in a 12 step group, I started to move out of my isolation into regular honest contact with other men. I've also gotten much more confident that my SSA are a detatchment disorder and I've had to get over my fear of others who would deny me my right to follow this path and know that it is the right path and may others feel free to follow it as well. There are many supportive people in dealing with unwanted SSA.
I won't deny that it takes a lot of work but its not like it doesn't start paying off until the end. I treated my SSA like an addiction and applied the 12 steps to it but different things work for different people. If you have the attitude that you want to heal, you can.
I respect your honesty and I know the pain of isolation you feel.
Edited by EdfromNYC (06/26/11 06:48 PM)
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed