I understand some of your problems, buddy. You're not alone.
I would pull up to an intersection in my car, casually look over at two men laughing and horsing around in a nearby truck, and think, "Why is it so easy for them? How come that's not me and a friend of mine? Why is it so hard for me to be like those two?"
I also understand your feelings of attraction/hatred toward other males. It's a fight within you - it's like half of you wants to be attracted to other males, and half of you doesn't. What helped me was befriending males I could TRUST - not only feeling safe that they wouldn't make sexual advances toward me, but also keeping me from making sexual advances toward them, once I had told them of my abuse and my SSA.
Finding these males is difficult, but they are out there, buddy. Don't lose hope, bro.
Therapy is also helpful, if you're not seeing a therapist already.
Take care, bro.
You don't have to be perfect to be wonderful.