Thanks alot for replying mountainois buck. I have to go to work soon and I'm dreading it. I am a social misfit. I want guy friends but I always feel different, afraid, mistrustful, triggered and aroused around them. I know who I am and what I want it's just really hard when you have feelings that are foreign and unnatural to you. They control me, keep me hiding, acting, running. Stuck in shame. I just want a pretty girl to hold and kiss. I know i'll get there with proper support and all, I just wish I didn't feel so damn lonely. Thing is I just kinda hate other guys. Their ability to form seemimgly effortless bonds with eachothr and with girls. I gurss its judt jealoUsy. Oh well thanks for listening

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"In my life, I have seen,
People walk into the sea,
Just to find memories,
Plagued by constant misery,
Their eyes cast down,
Fixed upon the ground,
Their eyes cast down

I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun"