I found another, cheaper, therpist. She sounded nice, and really, mercy and support are all i really expect any more from therapy. I think i'm growing past this, but i have to do a lot of things still.

For one, i have to find a support group! Its friggen hard, i dont know where to look. i guess i should just keep calling rape centers and crisis hotlines until i find something. I tried the web, but i havnt been able to find anything. ive got all day tommorow, so i will give it a shot.

Second, ive gotta figure out what to do about my family. I dont know where to start. I have a few ideas, but i really dont want to have to go this alone. I need support, i need sombody to tell me im not crazy after everybody starts pretending and defending about whats happened. And i mean face to face, like somebody who will be right there if i fall flat on my ass trying to call somebody up. Ive told my uncle my mother is addicted to herion, i told my grandma that i am not going to pretend like everything is alright, but i havent told anyone in my family about it. I told my best friend, and he has betrayed me. If that seems like to melodramtic a word, so be it, you werent there. If he has the strength to stand alone then he can come back and ask my forgivness, but i wont assiate with someone who coddles to pedophiles, no matter what happened to him. So, as is, my second biggest problem is im alone in all this.

My last problem is about my memory. When i went under in hypnosis, i said i had started getting abused when i was three by my mother. When he asked me to talk about it i said it was too bad, that i didnt want to talk about it. He pushed a little harder, and i tried, but all i could remember was something about water, being cold, and choking on something. I said i remembered a dog, and it licked my face, and i liked the dog. Strange to say the least.

Im going to have a bitch of a time with my life if i cant remember, but im starting to realise the less i focus on it, the more things seem to flow. It is still hard at night because im terrified to sleep. Trying to be good to myself, giving myself support and encouragment, this actually clears the fog in my mind better than getting wrapped up in having to remember, getting frutrated and angry that it wont come. Its just like the rest of my life, i have to bargain for my freedom one chip at a time, reconstruct a life from what ive been given brick by carefull brick, until that final moment where i lay it on the line. I seen that final step shatter my dreams so many times i am amazed i am not just a walking husk, but the few times it paid off, the breif inkling of joy and inspiration of life filled me with such joy and rapture that i have been caught forever in its web of love and beauty. To me, life has always been like a dream, something like an intangible force that i am hopelessely, madly in love with. Thats why it hurts so bad.

well, there is my inspirational quote of the day. Take care of yourselves. Love to each of you, from me. (damn thats hard to say)