Lately, I've been far too inclined towards self-pity for my liking. I was always taught from a young age that asking the question, "Why, me?" never does a soul any good, and so I always avoid going there. Isn't it more emotionally productive to work hard at changing our situations when it is possible, and accepting the adversities in life that are beyond our control? I know I shouldn't go here, but at the same time I've been having these moods where my mind can't help but to think the darkest things imaginable.
I worry about it happening again. A lot of us probably do. It is a comfort to many survivors to say, "I am not in X environment, therefore I am safe from abuse." For example, if someone is abused by clergy, they can feel safe by avoiding church. If you are abused as a child, there can be a sense of peace that comes from knowing that you are no longer a vulnerable little child and are now a grown man with the ability to defend himself. Removing yourself from the context of your abuse is something that is often necessary for healing and a source of peace to a lot of men here.
I get ANGRY as HELL because I can't get out of that context. I was assaulted in a healthcare setting and and avoiding doctors, nurses & hospitals is not a choice that would lead to survival for me. I told a nurse once before a medical procedure that I was assaulted in a hospital and she said, "You are safe now." I replied that my physical state & my environment didn't make me feel safe. And she said, "Well, what are the odds of it happening again? This sort of thing is so statistically rare."
Do the odds matter? What do we do as ASA survivors when we can't remove ourselves from the context of our abuse? What if you were abused by a complete stranger, and everyone you meet today is a potential threat? How do we cope with that?
I wonder what it was about me that led to me being assaulted, as opposed to someone else. I am convinced that my abuser was a cold calculated sociopath who planned it out in a premeditated way--not the sort of person who would choose just any victim. I worry about the aspects of myself which led him to abuse me are the same things about myself that I cannot change.
“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”
- Saint John of the Cross