I hid my abuse for many reasons. I don't think it matters so much (the why's). That I did, that I could not face the demon then is fact. I posted to a survivor and opened a can...it is overfull. I am continually finding my personality and emotional perspective have changede once I recognize them. Well, not at once. It is quite frustrating knowing that you are not quite where (in your head) you need to be and unable to alter it. I go away from people, all of them. They see change and traditionally, change is 'anti' anything good. Perhaps, it is all in my head. I find the absence of people extremely helpful. After a while, I am more...level I guess. How...mostly by talking myself through the confusion. (I may or may not be crazy...but I do talk to myself and suggest it to others.) Sometimes my favorite tunes piping in helps me find a comfort zone. A better, more level, connection.
I say level in terms of balance, not equality or evenness. Scales that hold where my emotional development left off and my recovery began twenty some years later. They are not the same and find one weighs heavier than the other most of the time. So the balance seems off, as if you could see a feather on one side of the scale and a side of beef on the other..the weight of the feather lifts the beef as if it were ethereal.
I guess we all feel the same. Walking in circles....I usually walk in infinity (sideways figure 8), i think it helps me to see things more fluid, unending and continual.
I carry on so...not sure of a point, just a rant.
Does anyone mind my rant? I hope not. I figure no person need read. Maybe it will help someone. I could only hope. I feel so much for all of you here. We probably all say "you have no idea how much you other Survivors help me", even though I rarely post or comment. Yet, if you let it sink in you find yourself on the verge of tears as reality sets--they (we) all have a very good idea. It makes me sorrowful to know you all have suffered so....we...not a term most of us really put ourselves into is it. The individual as part of a group, comrades in arms, brothers, survivors...we comprise a cohesive unit. The common bond not trauma, but the will to ,go on, be heard, listen to each other and raise your sheild in defense of yourself, your brother and the unheard. I guess I'm feeling rather grandiose!
Peace out my brothers, Giggles