I have been pondering a vacation this summer if the economy allows. I have a place in mind but would like to spare a few days in July for something else.
I have come to the conclusion that closure comes in pieces and not in one fell swoop. No one decision or revelation will open the door completely or shut one either. Rather there is closure, I think, in steps and decisions made. I look back over the last year or so and see I have made strides in my healing. I know I will live with this the rest of my life but I also feel it can have less control of my life as well.
I have been reading some of the stories of men here confronting their abuser(s) or assailant(s). My assailants were strangers and due to my non cooperation with the authorities they were not caught. They may have not been found anyway even if I had not waited seven months to tell the truth. I have been mulling an idea around in my head since last fall. I have been to the city and state where I was kidnapped and raped several times on business. I remember the first time when I knew I was headed there. I worked my way up to the whole thing of boarding the plane and tried to distract myself on the plane ride. I felt myself stop breathing as I saw the city below and then we began our descent. I honestly thought I would pass out. Getting into the taxi was a battle and I hated the whole ride. I would travel to that city many more times for business and each time became less of a hassle for me.
I have never been back to the area where it all happened to me. But for many months I have been thinking on going there. I would visit the car wash where I was taken. I want to go to the apartment where I lived and was beaten, tortured and raped all night long. I want to go to the place I was dumped out before dawn. I want to walk to the hotel where the police were called. Go to the hospital where I was taken to. Visit the school I was attending and the place where I worked at the time. And the place I worked at afterwards since I never went back to the other job. Maybe drive to the psychiatric hospital in a nearby city. I want to retrace that night step by step. Then some of what happened next. Even maybe the time before that led up to that night.
When I think of doing this I often see that I can do this. There are also times I feel a pressure in my chest and a tingling sensation. I am sure that is just adrenaline running as I play it all out. I am a visual person and I can see these places so clearly in my mind.
I feel this would be a piece in my recovery. If I have the guts to do it. I have backed out twice before. But I have never put so much thought into it as I have now.
Funny how odd it looks to write this out here.
Edited by prisonerID (02/27/11 05:55 PM)
Edit Reason: grammar
Broad statements often miss their true mark.