I am astonished. Tears are welling up in my eyes right now as I feel like I'm being gently immersed in a warm emotional blanked provided by - The Universe.
What, am I nuts? Yes. But that's besides the point.
This past couple of days, as I've begun to consciously focus my efforts on recovering from csa, I am just now beginning to see how much strength and perseverance I have within me. Its like looking at a hill in front of me, and then looking further and seeing that hill is a foothill to a larger mountain behind it, and that mountain is just a outcropping on a gigantic monolith.
It's awesome. It's beautiful. It's powerful. And its me.
Tears flowing freely now.
I'm astonished that I had a glimpse of "Realizing that God has been doing for us, what we could not do for ourselves."
I've been so angry that I have put so much work into comprehending my own personal issues, and feeling like I've gotten absolutely no where.
But now, I see, that I HAVE been doing recovery work. I've been focusing on becoming self aware, asking myself questions about my motivations, how am I treating others, what is dysfunctional? I've been doing this for YEARS before I came to realize the root of all this crap: childhood sexual abuse.
I've carried a tremendous burden my entire life, and I did my best to chug through this life without inflicting pain on others, correcting my errors, and always seeking to become a better person - in spite of the rage and hurt and sorrow I constantly carried. I am an incredibly strong man for it.
"It will feel sudden and magical, but you've actually been working towards it for a long time. Everything else you did in your life led you to this moment." Victims No Longer p. 54 2nd ed.
I am astonished.
Edited by tdillon (01/18/11 05:54 PM)
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.
Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM