Earlier this week on an easy, lazy afternoon I received and email from a fellow survivor. We have, over the past year, had some very deep and intense conversations as we have struggled to work out our recoveries. We make an odd pair him and me. One of us sees the world through the lens of faith the other a more earthy view. But through the grace of both he and I we have been able to walk together pointing to vistas of hope and discussing ideas of growth, not despite our differences but because of them.
Anyway, I’m off task, I just was setting the table with the proper arrangements of spoons, forks and knifes. One thing that MS has taught me is to eat a meal with only one utensil is a messy unproductive chore. Can it be done? I guess - but why?
Back to the email that blew my comfortable day to tiny particles of rising dismay and grading grief as the winds of past moments whirled around me. My MS companion and friend asked me about my story. He knew I was an ASA and he a CSA and in a show of compassion and love for me he wanted to know more about the rape. He was seeking information so as to understand my plight and struggles as an ASA. I thumped my thumps on my desk running risk management concepts of potential rejection and abandonment if we were to re-travel this path. You see, he and I had kind of gone into a natural orbit passing each other every so often touching with gentle words then moving on. It was warm, comfortable and pretty risk free.
I went back to my posting of “the story” copied it and sent it along with a new email, and then waited and waited and waited. I was crawling inside ants of anxiety skittering through veins reaching the depths of all my fears as I waited. I fell into my own trap of irrational fears of abandonment over the next couple of hours – waiting.
Then it came, his reply. And this is the email I’d not been prepared for.
His words were gentle and thoughtful as he asked me what must have seemed like an obvious question. One that I’d never considered or had been asked before. “Had I been drugged prior to the rape” Then he continued point by point separating my story into sections and then plugging in comments that questioned my reactions. Not questioning, the truth of what I had said but doubting, if I hadn’t been drugged, my body and mind's reactions or lack of reactions to the events happening. Absorbing this new potential scenario was devastating!
I left work early, I was now useless, and spent the rest of the day and night running each moment of that event. My sluggish movements when I tried to break free. My other worldly floating away as the raping continued. The fogginess and crazy making mistakes I made afterwards when I was making my escape. Things that never made sense and were unreasonable actions could now be explained away. If only I could ever know the answer to his question but this is a resolution that will always elude my grasp.
I bring this up not to say I was drugged but I’ve never heard it talked about here on MS. It may have been but if so I’ve missed the conversation. I wonder if others wonder or know if they were drugged. Is this something we would benefit by discussing together as brothers who bring different utensils to the feast?
Thanks to my fellow survivor for raising this question and to others here on MaleSurvival for adding sustenance to my life, Earlybird
Balanced (My goal)
There is symmetry