I know I am getting here late but wow, just wow.
Duncan, in a way I can relate to everything you are saying here. All the feelings and emotions, thoughts, anger, all of that is deep within me too, and like you, I can't express it so I just shut it down.
The blame, the shame, the constantly wondering why, thinking back to figure out what you could have or should have done differently and basically feeling trapped there. Your post and each reply after has brought tears to my eyes for the first time in a long time and I thank you for that.
I can say with 100% certainty that you are not alone and it was not your fault.