duncan,

I blamed myself for the assault for over nineteen years. I would be lying if I said that at times I still struggle with it. But I can also honestly say that I find myself more and more seeing that it was not my fault. True, I was a grown man in my late twenties. But I also was ovepowered by two men who had weapons. I was outnumbered and outgunned by them. You had multiple assailants too - it does not diminish who you are as a person or as a man. You were a victim when you were attacked and the best thing you could do is what you did and that is you survived what they put you through. I do not know how old you were when this was done to you but just because you were an adult does not diminish their evil or their culpability. They are guilty and you are competely innocent.

I have played over my assault almost every day for over nineteen years. It it still enters my mind every day but now with the knowledge - the truth - that I was innocent of anything that night.

I am working on discovering myself at that age again. I know that I buried him out of anger and shame. I blamed him for what happened and I had a list of why it was his fault. I look at that list and I can see how I was dressed, my physical appearance, my decision to stop to wash my car and my naive ways were not my fault I was assaulted. These were just incidentals to the night. The blame is on the deviants who saw me and thought of the cruel thigns they could do to me. I do not know how much of him I will get back but know I cannot spend the rest of my life trying to get back to then.

It is fine that you could not face this in therapy yet. I wasted two hospital stays and several great therapists while I lied to myself and to them. Only with the last one was I able to open up and tell the whole story. That was just sixteen months ago.

Whoever said those horrible words of getting over it was wrong. Your gender has nothing to do with the actions of your assailants. They were sick and twisted animals. I do not know the circumstances of your assault but I hope you are not using them to build a case against yourself. I fear you are by reading your tag line. You did nothing wrong. You did something right because you lived through that horrible experience.

I hope you keep putting these thoughts and emotions out here. No one has the right to tell you to get over it and move on. However you feel then just say it. We are here to support you and offer our own experiences and maybe little insight.

Being a man does not negate anything that anyone would say to another victim/survivor of abuse or assault. We deserver the same consideration that we would give a man or woman who is CSA or a woman who was assualted as an adult. You deserve that. Our gender and our age should not enter into it. Especially in our own minds.

I am so sorry for what you have gone through and still struggling with even now.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.