I hate myself for failing to defend myself from the attack. It plays over and over in my mind everyday.. never stopping. yes. I hate them, they destroyed the last part of my human self. The man that i once was is gone.

I read articles on the "r" subject but it does not make me feel any better. I hate it all. It brings me to tears and i just draw it all back in. I get angry..... They laughed as they attacked me.. they hurt me........ i tried counselling once but i cannot face it. I cannot say the "r" word. i feel ashamed, guilty...

I dont know who i am anymore. I try and get by day by day.. blocking it out.. i tell everyone that i am fine.. but deep down i am not. I feel like crying as i type this out but i hold it all in. someone once sadi to me "just get over it!!!!you are a man!!!". I tried that.. did not work. I try and shut my emotions down and it gets difficult.

I am scared of men. even guys at work who i have known for a long time. My borders are closed to people who try and enter. I cannot tear down te walls that i have built its too difficult to do.

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you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.