I have talked with guys who tell me that they have never really gotten angry about their abuse or assault. For me anger has been a constant companion the past twenty years. I do not mean every moment of each day but it is not long before it returns. And it is a rage inside me.
It is something I hide and in fact strive to keep hidden. This is especially true here. One of the reasons I left a few months back was due to my anger rising and my fear of lashing out at someone here. That is the last thing I would want to do.
I know my anger is rooted in the night of my assault. I was bound and restricted in movement. I was beaten and then the rest followed. And I will never see those men again. They are long gone and I have no sense of justice about it. I watch a lot of crime shows and sit there waiting to see if there will be justice. When I watched "Taken" at the theatre I was triggered right and left. I saw it alone and had to see justice. As sick as I was I did feel good about the ending and the slaughter of those who did the things to those women.
I work to try to bring down the level of my rage by running but due to the heat that has been not possible. I do not feel like going to the gym and seeing so many people. So I drive and I yell and I write some.
I hold down a job with high demands and several staff members. I am the lifeline in my family. I pay my bills and do my duties. In other words I live a life that most would think is normal. But they do not know the rage inside. I hide it well most times with the occasional over reaction. And I just am so tired of the anger and yet if I do find a way to let it go...then what? It has been there for so long.
I am angry for what happened. But I am also angry for the lack of response that society gives us. Not fully recognized is barely recognized. That is how I feel as a man in this world. I was raped but it is still "new ground" to the therapeutic community. Where are the books? Where are the resources? Where are the experts on male ASA?
So besides my rape I am angry that I am still a blurb in most articles about sexual assaults - a damn footnote. And I do not apologize for how I feel. Because it is not right.
Right now I am trying to sort out my anger and figure more of it out. Since stopping therapy I slowed down on recovery work. Not long ago I picked it back up on my own. I still cannot go back to therapy yet full time but maybe soon once a month at least.
But the anger, low or high, is more constant than I realized. This is what I am working on right. I have the goal to get through it somehow and get past it. To live the rest of my life less angry.
Edited by prisonerID (09/01/10 08:44 PM)
Edit Reason: spelling
Broad statements often miss their true mark.