I was abused by my sister for some period of time (six months, three years?)at some point (8 y.o. to ?) when I was a child. I never told anyone until about 7 years ago, when I was 35. I have told maybe a half dozen people, three therapists, two wives, my mother. I have 'cement'ed away some portion of my heart and soul from everyone, and I have only recently realized this. In these ways I feel much in common with other survivors. But in another way I feel much different.
My response to the abuse was to become very sexually active at a young age. I have had many many sexual partners and I have a high sex drive. I am addicted to certain feelings about sex, that drive me to do things and take risks I shouldn't (i.e., sleep with lots of women, be very interested in pornography and women in general, and, MOST DANGEROUSLY, exposing myself - in different ways - to women). I am only coming to grips with this stuff right now, and when I say coming to grips, maybe what I should say is: I am becoming aware of how impossibly locked away a part of me is, and how adicted I have been.
I told my wife early in our relationship that I was abused. She thinks she may have been as well, but cannot uncover it. We both suffer from pretty severe trust issues. She found a picture of a woman, naked. In the picture the woman was holding a picture of me, naked. I 'came out' to her that I have a problem, that has driven me, at times, to look for inappropriate attention from women.
I am now battling my demons. Part of me wants to run away and continue to feed my sexual urges. Another part of me hates the first part and wants me to be punished for the 'wrongs' I have done. The middle ground must be somewhere, but where?
What do I do? do I try to refrain from all sex? can I masturbate? I am going to therapy three times a week, but I am scared that I will have to give up sexuality altogether. is that how it works? and isn't my fear of losing sex a sign of my addiction? But can't I have sex and not be addicted? ugh, arggh, I hurt so fucking bad
And let the darkness fear our light.