I Still Believe In God!
In 1968 when I was a 6 year old my mom started to send me to church. She went to the Sunday service with me and that was it. She did not go to the church any other time because she was afraid that she would be ask questions about home life ect...but she sent me to everything there was for a child my age. The only catch was that I had to walk to the end of the block and turn the corner out of sight of my house and continue down the long lonely sidewalk to the big white doors alone. So hard to open, so afraid of getting my hand trapped. I remember how it smelled as I entered, with heart pounding and??? (memories evaporate after this, I still don't know why I cannot remember anything about church????) If my mother ever knew how terrifying all of this was she would have kept me home, but she was a victim too and home was it's own little nightmare. (I can feel this all so vividly as I write) Being little and in the situation I was in was lonely. Just me, mom and he/she? Kind of like climbing up out of hell and walking a demonic gauntlet of terror on the way to church. I don't remember what happened at church. I only remember that picture of Jesus on the wall and somehow, someway He was there and held my hand, every time, on that long walk that was at night and during the day, hot or cold, rain or shine, relentless. I don't remember either end of the trip only the long treks back and forth. I think she really wanted them to see, not realizing.....seeing and helping are two different things. But He walked with me and walks with me. When I was a boy I could sometimes see Him and He would tell me things and I could see angels and oh how they want to help but they cannot cross over without our help. I know it sounds crazy! but I am balling my eyes out, I don't know why, it just happens (and happens, and happens.......) I could not live if He was not holding my hand. The church hates me and rejects me. It does not understand nor care to understand my problems. I am not imagining this, I have been told in so many words more than once. Beware confiding in religious friends, watch the relationship change, like magic. I am not criticizing anyone, it just hurts, that's all. I do not fault them for they are filled with sick people who are mostly in denial about a lot of stuff themselves. Considering what goes on under their own roofs, I am not surprised. No matter! If I am condemned by the masses as a non believer unless I pretend to live another man's life, so be it, for He Still Holds My Hand!! I Still Believe In God!