Zak
its good that you can be honest here with how you feel.
right now in my facing prior csa - i have had to deal with anger towards my dad. like your real dad - he pretty much just put food on the table and clothed me - but no emotional attachment or hugs or kisses.
i am working thru the process of expressing my anger towards him - now that he is dead.
i loved him - but have these feelings now.
it is all very confusing.

just do what you can ---

btw --- pills aren't the best option of the 4 u gave.....
i have tried sex, drinking, withdrawal, etc --- they don't work

this works for me (talking to other guys)(finding a good counselor)