My feelings at the moment: I hate my wife!!!
I was negected, physically, and emotionally violated by my mother growing up, some of it is coming up now, and I'm expecting my wife to be comforting. No. No. No. It's not her problem (that comes from her lips)..... So I've got a wife who acts/is like my mother. Not there for me.
I'm sharing here to both dump and (hopefully) receive direction. I have known about my CSA (by a brother and my mother) for 10 years. I've spent many dollars on "counseling", and finally put money into "therapy" in 2003. It was short-lived due to finances. Right now I'm pulling away from my 12 step group since I'm...afraid. I've gone through the whole 12 steps twice before, and I chose to focus on the SA this time. However, I didn't come in to the group until Step 4(!!!!). In short, I didn't have a lot of time previous to find out who I can trust and with what. Step 4 is ALL about unearthing my deepest hurts and pains to share it with at least one other person. Yet I haven't hid from the guys my struggle and fears about male relationships. Right now, I haven't gone to group for about 2-3 weeks, and only 2 people have called. I feel hopeless right now. I can see why some people give up. (I'm not dwelling/living in suicide mentality. I just can relate to "it's too much to hold right now".)
Reaching out to guys is scary by itself, and sharing with wives is....smart. I'm all in my pissy world, don't want to be emotionally close to my wife, and then want to ....punish her....with silence. This is punishment to her, but I'm trying to be honoraable. Am I afraid of myself???? YES!!!! I'm mad. There's so much shit coming out of me right now, and not spewing it at her I do for our 5 year old daughter AND not wanting to verbally war with my wife. She's a control freak, likes control, and doesn't want to share..be a team..... Am I pissed?? YES.
It's safer to be alone in the same house.
I'm scared to receive replies, but holding this in isn't helping either. I'm aware of my blame, fault-finding, and much more. I'm just alone because she doesn't want ANY PART of my life. That hurts.
One last bitch. I'm mad because we started an arguement prior to a small church meeting last night. We stopped, and when I came home I wanted to unearth it. She ignored me while playing video games. I can't ever/don't want to depend on her. She's a waste to me right now.
Ladies (and guys).....I'm also scared of growing up...here.... with other people knowing me....Damn. I don't like this.
I'm feeling alone.