Welcome to MS. Obviously I'm not a professional but there is something about what you're describing that strikes me as a symptom of some stunted growth...sort of like the pause button was hit at a certain age for you when indeed, many of us want to be like "that" guy...perhaps that somewhat older guy who has it all together, good looks, cool and all the rest. I could of course be totally projecting my own situation on to you. I feel very much like I've in many ways been held up at the moment when my serious abuse started...now that I've been in recovery for about 8 months, there's a tremendous feeling of Rip van Winkle about it all for me...sort of like waking up and realizing I'm not a child anymore. Just to be clear this hasn't prevented me from doing my thing and having a pretty good life, but it has been disconcerting to say the least. Just as a question for thought, is there some level upon which these guys you wish you perhaps were seem or feel "older" than you? or to turn it around, do you feel younger than them in some way? Does everyone seem like they must be older than you? And man, I gotta give you big props for realizing the futility of acting out and trying to find your answers in other ways...keep at it, man.