You were abused by your father and now you often role-play as the son in father/son sexual relations.
This is called re-enactment.
You are re-creating the situation of your abuse. I have heard an analogy used to describe this before. It is true, for whatever reason, that often when a woman is in a violent relationship she often ends up with a new partner who is similarly violent. This may be for a number of reasons but one is so that the woman can put herself back into that situation and see how she reacts "this time".
You are doing this also, I feel. You may be doing it for a number of reasons. One reason may be to put yourself back into a position where you had less power- often people role-play with power/humiliation fantasies (the community may refer to it more in terms of ultimate trust), but because of your history I believe your reasons may be more involved than those of the role-play community. You may be taking yourself back there in an effort to try to deal with your past- to put yourself in the same situation and to try to analyse and control your emotions and feelings. To try to understand your feelings in order to face them. Or to put yourself into a situation where you can relinquish control and power over your life as some kind of release.
Also, if you have body issues, if you are not happy with yourself sexually, you may be putting yourself into a relationship of unbalanced power so that you don't have to be ashamed or worried about your own body- it becomes a matter of what he is taking from you and not what you are offering him, so that you don't have to feel self-conscious about your own body- that it is his choice to take what he wants- and indeed then you can feel somewhat better about your body if you didn't before.
You may be putting yourself back into a situation, a situation that when you were little you had no power, no control, and although you may have liked certain parts of it, I am sure it was very traumatic for you- and then trying to change how you feel about it in order to deal with it better.
You may be putting yourself back there- the same power difference, the same sense of humiliation perhaps, the same sexual acts- but now saying- this is my choice- I have chosen to do this role-play. I don't think it is a healthy thing, but it may be a way in which you are trying to deal with things right now. You may be, in a way, trying to change how you feel about your abuse, so that you can deal with your past better. But of course it was never okay, and it is not acceptable for that to happen to a child, as you know.
There is also another possibility. You were abused by your father, and presumably this happened at home. You probably had no feeling of safety- you always felt in danger perhaps. Always wondering when it will happen next. When it did happen, then you didn't have to worry about "when is it going to happen next? What is he going to make me do?" because it was happening right then. In a very complex sense, abuse is a moment of less worry, because you have completely no control over anything and it is already happening. It may be the sense of "it is happening right now so it doesn't matter" that you are seeking.
You also talk about how you are attracted to guys that remind you of your father. Your father hurt you terribly but you may have loved him and wanted attention of some kind from him (not sexual). Your effort to try to reconnect with a man who reminds you of your father may be an effort to try to reconnect with your father. You may have done what your father said sexually in order to try to gain his approval and to try to get him to love you as he should. You got use to having to do sexual things in order to try to gain love. You may have even felt that sex is all you are good for, or that sex was the only way you could get somebody to love you. It seems like this has followed you into your later life- that you have taken the same path to try to find people to love you. But that path, in my opinion, is not a healthy one.
I think you need to be able to see that you don't have to have sex with people, you don't have to give yourself to people, in order for them to love you.
Also I would like to add that this kind of re-enactment, in a similar way to self-harm, may reinforce the bad feeling you have about yourself, the feelings of worthlessness and such. Although you may or may not subconsciously been doing this in order to change how you feel about the abuse or to change how you react "this time", or to be in a different position concerning choice (or simply as a familiar route to try to find some kind of affection), at the same time you are ironing in some of the false lessons that you learnt about yourself as a child. These of course are just my general opinions on the general topic area.
Edited by king tut (03/13/10 12:46 PM)
"...until lambs become lions"
I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.