I can definitely relate to part of what you say. I was molested from age 6 to roughly 13 by a much older man. As an adult, I became bisexual (though I wish I weren't) and my interaction with men always involved repeating what happened as a child.

I don't have any practical advice about relationships. I have never had what you'd call a romantic relationship with a man. It's strange, but I'm not attracted to men other than as partners in recreating the abusive sex. So a relationship just wouldn't occur.

In my romantic relationships with women, I was always repelled by women who were nice to me or who flirted with me. I've always pursued and dated cold women. In fact I married two. As I look back on it now, I can see that this is largely because I couldn't see myself as in anyway being worthy of a women and was so accustomed to abuse growing up, that's what felt "normal" to me. It's really saddening to see how I was conditioned to seek out a miserable life.

My only advice is to keep doing what you're doing and looking hard at this and understand yourself. Don't put it off. It's very frustrating to reach my stage of life and realize how much the abuse in my past influenced my choices and decisions. It's something I really get angry about.

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Work like you don't need the money;
dance like no one is watching;
sing like no one is listening;
love like you've never been hurt;
and live life every day as if it were your last.