sorry this sounds kinda devoid of emotion and stuff. i cant really deal with the feelings and the facts at the same time. just wanted to get the bare-bones facts of my chest. the details are too much to handle.
i was born into a family of very sick people. my parents were kinda hippies, wanted to raise me in an 'open family'. i was used as a sexual object from birth to around age 4 or 6... i have few memories of that time.
by the time i was 6 i was a sexual partner in my family - mostly with my dad or with both parents. around this time the physical abuse also started.
by 8 there was penetration and the physical and mental abuse really increased. i was punched, burned, raped and tortured every day. my mom took the position of victim in the family and would beg me to have sex with my dad so she wouldnt have to (she suffered from intense depression at this time). and i would. i would go to him more than he would go to me at this point. it was all i knew, my whole life, and hell it was better than letting him get angry.
by the time i was 10 years old my dad connected with other sick people and i was raped by them too.
my life continued like this for a long time.
when i was 14 my dad attacked me, causing severe injuries which make me really embarassed to this day... and something i live with every day still.
i was in fostercare for a year (with an amazing foster mom). then i was back with my mom (my dad eventually moved back in.) at this time my mother convinced me that she loved me more than anyone and we should move away and pretend we were married, escaping my dad and his violence. this time has been the most difficult to deal with.
when i was 16, they passed away in a car accident. my aunt was given custody of me, but more or less left me to my own devices from then on. i started a serious drug addiction, which i still struggle with today. because of that i have put myself in many dangerous situations and have been raped as an adult many times. sometimes it feels comforting, being hurt. i dont know. i want better than that for myself, most of the time.
some days are easier than others. but i just feels so heavy.
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.