Thank you so much for the positive and affirming support I have received from many of you. I look forward to sharing more stories, discussing our hopes/fears and healing/growing together.
Several of my new ďbrothersĒ have asked me about my sexual abuse. Iím more than willing to share my molestation story but want to give you a quick background of what brought me here to ms.com
I wouldnít be here today still married and healing from my abuse if it wasnít for my incredible therapist w/ all of her hard work and the Menís center in Minneapolis. I had such a life changing experience at my first male sexual abuse survivorís meeting that I was inspired to find more resources online and ms.org was one of the first results from my search. I canít even begin to describe the emotions I felt as I heard the other survivor stories and how much we were all having similar problems, albeit with different coping skills.
Okay, hereís my story. I will try to strike a balance between TMI and natural curiosity of what I experienced. If you want more specific info, please feel free to pm me for an offline chat.
My first sexual experience was being molested and raped by a much older man 30ís or 40ís when I was 11-12 at a Russian bath house w/ my father. He went down on me and then forced me to go down on him while touching my genitals and anus in ways that felt incredible. Then, he had me masturbate while violating me and wouldnít let me go until he was finished. Thankfully, he didnít make me go back down on him after he raped me. Afterwards, I ran into a bathroom stall and he came by, asked if I was okay and then thanked me for being so good. I was so confused by this but for sure felt shamed beyond belief. I was afraid to tell my dad what happened and the guy said that I couldnít tell anyone and since he was an adult, I listened to him.
Then, about a year later, one of my parentís male friends came into my bedroom after my parentís went to sleep and we started talking. I noticed a bulge in his pants and the next thing I knew, he was stroking me and I was instantly excited. Then, he took out his penis and because of the previous sexual abuse, I knew just what to do and he also touched me in ways that felt really good and went down on me as well.
***Skip this paragraph if you donít want to hear too much specific info***
My parents were involved in some illegal activity and so either they knew he was doing this right down the hall from them or were too out if it to realize their son was being abused. I pray it was the latter. This guy was also into the illegal activity and he came from South America. He went down on me sometimes but I always had to give him oral to completion w/out spilling so I wouldnít make a mess as he put it. Sometimes he would finish me off w/ his hand but towards the end, he just left me to pleasure myself during or after he finished, which I was able to do in minutes after all of that practice. He always made sure I finished him every time and taught me to be one of the best at giving oral sex.
This went on for years and sometimes 4-5 times a week. He even took me on some of his business errands and I stroked him while we drove. I actually became addicted and excited to have him stop by so I could please him. I missed him when he didnít come by and masturbated thinking about him. When he returned, I would pull his pants down as soon as he came into my bedroom. Finally, one day he just went away and so that was the end of him molesting me. Itís screwed up but I missed him and how he touched me while I was pleasing him orally. There was one year during the abuse that he molested me over 250 times.*****
This occurred during my formative years of puberty and my sexuality and so while I was attracted to women, I only had experience with men from my first experience on. This made me even more awkward around girls and I had very few dates during all of high school. The molestation made me very isolated, untrusting, lacking self-confidence and passive.
Then, when I was 16, a few of my motherís divorced female friends must have realized that I needed some help. One friend, in her 40ís, invited me over to her house to celebrate my birthday and help her with a few things. That turned out to be going into her bedroom after she let me in and gave me a drink. She kissed me hard w/ her tongue and then told me to undress and she took off her towel to expose her shaved pussy and large breasts. She laid spread eagle on the bed and as soon as I was nude, she pulled me onto the bed and guided my face between her legs. It definitely tasted much better than a guy and I was so happy to be with a woman, even if it was more molestation. She was my first female sexual partner and also taught me a great deal about sex and pleasing a woman. This was the first woman to go down on me as well.
I never saw her again for sex but then another one of my motherís female friends started seducing me and even taking me to hotels for our sexual trysts. She also taught me how to go down on women but never went down on me. Luckily, I turned 18 and joined the service and got away from my family and molesters as soon as I could leave for boot camp, which took months longer than I wanted.
This was the end of my molestation and sexual abuse but the damage was severe and devastating. I ended up in one failed relationship after another, went to red light districts overseas and even meet several guys over the years for NSA oral from time to time, feeling ultra guilty and ashamed after each experience. Almost every man and woman I met told me that I gave the best oral of any partner they ever had. I use this to empower myself over my abusers since I can bring both men and women to orgasm w/ just oral sex. Something over 90+% of the population canít do.
The main lingering effects of my molestation are the normal feelings of mistrust that I have for people, the isolation and difficulty establishing friendships and the fact that I prefer oral sex from men rather than women. Iím happy giving it to either sex.
This leads to my sexual preferences as a result of my CSA. I love women and thatís my preferred partner. I consider myself mainly hetero w/ a slight touch of homosexuality.
It took me until just a month or so ago to be okay with the fact that I will always be able to get aroused and masturbate thinking about or seeing another manís penis. Iím okay after all of the years of guilt and shame saying that I feel a desire and enjoy having non-penetrating sex with men from time to time.
Iím hoping that I can reconcile these desires within my marriage and make sure that I can keep the abuse from affecting my heterosexual activity but itís been a long hard struggle so far. I donít know if my wife will be okay with either having another bi male join us or figuring out another way to satisfy my urges that come up every so often. Thatís why I am here. To help others and hopefully receive some help with these issues.
Thatís my story and thank you for yours as well. Again, I feel very safe here and this is the first time I have ever told some of these stories to anyone.
Looking forward to your replies, either on or off-line.
Edited by ModTeam (12/12/09 08:19 PM)
Edit Reason: add trigger warning
My CSA story TRIGGERS!!!!The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict. Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.