i dont know where to start. i moved out, it felt good at first, but now it just feels scary and intimidating. i feel like im just waiting to fuck up like i always tell myself i do.
Been eating like a rat. Non stop hot dogs, some cheap fast food, and if im feeling up to it, i cook some eggs or a can of chili.
Everything is going wrong. My car insurance is due in augest, i have no idea if i will be able to afford it by then. I have no job, im going to sign up for a program called ROP, and try and learn masonry, see if my landlord has some friends and can get me a job.
Mostly, things are going wrong in my head. I thought moving out would do something, but things just feel like they are getting worse. I know my mom abused me, and i know it was something bad, because i can't remember anything. But its keeping me up late at night, i havent been able to sleep well without medication. My doctor has been cutting me short on it, 20 pills a month, which sucks, because sometimes i need 2 just to sleep at all. I keep having fucked up nightmares i cant remember, and wake up in a pool of sweat.
I dont know how the hell to make it day by day sometimes. The alarm goes off and i just cant get up. I spend five minutes looking at my shoes before i muster the strength to put them on. My mom called up and i was a little snippy with her for asking me how i was taking care of myself and my money, and her voice went weak and she muttered fuck, then hung up. She sounded like she was afraid she had been busted or something. When she hung up i muttered something like, "wait... im sorry." For what? I dont know. I dont know what the hell im doing, i dont know what to say, how to feel, what to try and what to stop. Before i left it all made sense, now, i dont know who the fuck i am or what the hell im doing anymore.
Everything just hurts, all the time. My body hurts, inside it hurts, my mind is tired, i feel like a kid with a stick in the middle of a warzone. I freak out about everything, kill myself over forgetting my keys when i go to the car. When i start to think im crazy everything falls apart. I question whether anything im seeing or hearing is real, or whether im just completely whacked and everybody i know and all the things i remember arent real.
I'm so alone. I told one of my friends and he flipped out, because he was abused and he doesnt know how to deal with it. He tried to be there for me, and after he got upset, he seemed okay, but i dont think either of use are very good at showing our emotions.
I have had to carry this alone for so long, and now i have to expose the truth, and i have to do that alone as well. My whole life, i've had to learn that the world doesnt really give a damn what i want. If you want something, you have to do it yourself, and if you dont have the strength, your shit out of luck. I dont know hwo i'll ever find the strength to be who i want to be, live the life i want to live. I'll i can see is the fucked up present. I dont want to go to colledge so i can spend the rest of my life working. Ive been used my whole life, and im fucking sick of it. I dont want to pay taxes to a government that has failed me, i dont want to live in a world where people hate and fear each other, i dont want to pretend like i am a real person, i want to Be one!
I am so sick of beign afraid and sad all the time, i am sick of watching other people be happy while my life ticks away. How the hell do you manage to feel joy in this world after something like this has happened? I dont feel like there is any love in this world for me. I dont feel like anything is worth doing because im bound to fuck it up anyways. All my dreams feel like chains, all my beliefs about right and wrong seem like childish fantasy. When i talk to people about a world where as a rule, people could at least try to be good to one another, they look at me like im crazy. When i say, people should try to help your fellow man, the look on thier faces is like, what are YOU selling?
Im thinking maybe i should try to volanteer or something. I always want to try and help people, but i always felt like i was too fucked up, like there was nothing i could do except make it worse. The only thing i ever felt like id be good for was some sort of sacrifice nobody else could make, something that only i could do because of what happened to me. It seemed natural, because all i ever seem to do in life is lose.
I don't want to lose anymore. But how can i win if nothing i do feels right? I get so frustrated because i try and do something, and my mind is always berating me, telling me i could do better if i tried harder, i just dont have the guts.
A memory is caught somewhere in my mind, and i dont know how to get it out. I keep having headaches and nightmares, i feel like im going to cry sometimes, but i never do. No matter how hard i try to feel, i just feel empty inside.
Im only twenty, but i feel like my life is passing me by one second at a time. I want to be go out into the world, i want to fall in love, i want to fight for all the things i believe in and make friends that last lifetimes. I want to prove that romantic philosophy is not dead, that it can bloom in the most horrible places, but im clawing my way up from under a mountain of pain and can barely breathe.
I want to show the world that dreams exist everywhere, that there is hope for 12 year old kids who are stuffing grenades down tank barrels, that you dont have to run away from the ghetto to make it better, that the homeless and starving children around the world have still got a chance, that we all have to FIGHT to make things right! Most of all i want to show that this poor, fucked up wretch who speaks before you is a real human being, with dreams, hopes of a better world and life! I want to show the world that being raped as a child doesnt mean you have to spend the rest of your life losing, that there is something worth fighting and living and dying for even after all the hell i and others like me have been through! Im not going to be the same little kid who was raped by his mother and his brother, the same kid who was shredded to pieces and laughed at and ridiculed while i watched my world crumble around me! Im stronger than the little fucks who picked on me and called me faggot while i was on the floor crying, the punks who raised thier fists in anger and violence while i stayed my hand, im stronger than my family who pretended like nothing was wrong, im stronger than all of them. Im stronger than my father who stuck needles in his arm and spends everyday in a maximum security prison on 22 hour lock down. Im stronger than my brother who took his pain out on me in the shower, who couldnt control his anger or rage and let it control him. Im stronger than my moms drunken herion addicted boyfriends who mooched off her and yelled at me for being her secret little boyfriend, and most importantly, im stronger than my drunk, addicted, oh so ashamed and poor mother dear, who gave me cold sweats at night, who grabbed my ass in front of my friends, who watched day after day as i suffered from her abuse and never once told me it wasnt my fault. I'm stronger than they were, and im not going to throw my life away like they did. Im sick and tired, and im not going to take it anymore.
If anybody out thier cares, say your with me! Say your not going to spend your life being ruled by shame or fear! Say you want to live and love and be free! Tell me I'm not alone!
We have to stand together, or we are alone. I know im not alone, because i see you all come in here everyday, i see you all fight for what you deserve. Let me hear some of you say that love is not dead, that noble ideals are still alive and kicking in the world.
I dont want to be alone in the dark anymore.