I see that this is a place to share my story without replies, not that I don't care for replies but this is the time when I want to bare all and not feel ashamed because of my errors and the things I did to bring about negative consequences in my life. Please get to know me and not judge and feel sorry for me. I also will be typing fast and not proof-reading lest I erase it because of fear and shame.

my town was a very serene town in some regards but in others it was a very racist place. we had non-whites there but we (the town) didn't to much care for them. sure there were the smiles and "how u does" and (un-bareable)tolerance as i heard all the time. not trying to put myself on a pedestal but i never saw a difference. they were hard working and respectful. they kept the law and were peaceful. they studied harder in school and made something of themselves. but like other's i used racial slurs to fit in (not proud of it just telling my story matter-of-factlly with no lies, half-truths, or pretenses) i even wrote unseemly comments on walls to fit in. but i truly never felt that way but was ashamed not to paticipate in the "norm" aside from that crap i can now tell what happened in my life. (it's not easy to tell about my life without telling the minutest of details)

my mom was a stripper she left our town when i was about three, i'm told don't remember her much but my brother said that she and dad had a big fight over a guy and she split because he beat her up so bad she went to the hospital for days to recover. i never felt abandonment issues about her because most of the women in our church and town treated us like their own sons. I had no need (it seemed) for her. i never was one to ponder her absence much at all she just wasn't and that was fine to me.

my dad was my personal hero. he treated me like i was a prince being prepared for a kingdom, my brother on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. my dad worked and provided for us we never went without the basic and most wants. he practically gave my brother the moon. they fought alot as my brother got older though. i always loved my dad. i lost the respect i had for him after i witnessed him and my brother having oral sex. i don't know how old i was then but i was shocked because i never seen anything like it before. i never could have conceived it happening and i remember my dad got mad and slammed the door on my face. i sat against the door and blankness. (my brother told me later that he carried me to bed because i was lay on the floor outside dad's room when they were done) my dad never sexually abused me. there were times he told me i had the sweetest ass he'd seen on a "girl" by the time i was in ninth grade he stopped saying it. my dad was more
nervous around me then anything he just didn't look at me much after a while and the need for his affection ate me up i couldn't understand why he would fight physically with my brother and have sex with him but never want me and i got jealous of my brother i would jack-off listening to them and some of his friends having sex i have a space i would sneak to to watch them and never got caught. i started to wear short revealing clothes around the house to seduce him. i had longer hair then and i would wet it and puff my lips and do anything to make dad want me. he'd avoid me though sometimes i'd catch him sneaking a peak and it would give me hope. (i don't feel good about his it's just what was) i was starving for his attention and affection. i even hoped my brother would come to me at night again but it never happened after two times. i was feeling invisible and unwanted but i never got my dad to molest me and today i'm glad.

my brother came to me one night, when i was in bed asleep, when i was young but already at puberty because i was able to cum. he woke me up giving me a blow job. i was scared and ashamed and excited because it was my first blow job and didn't feel bad at all. after i came he cried begging me to forgive him but i turned around and ignored him. i was scared and couldn't fully form in mind mind this new experience especialy because he was my brother i was so ashamed. i don't know how long after that but it was before i entered tenth grade when my brother sexually molested me for the second time. i came in my room and found my brother and one of his friend, they were in my room watching a homosexual porn. his friend was laughing and mocking me making sex noises i was shocked to finally see one because i heard so much about them in joking ways so i stood there dumbfounded really. my brother told me that i owed him and his free because they took it up the ass from dad for me. i lay on the bed expecting a blow job again but my brother told me to get on my knees. i ran for the door because i knew what they wanted but they grabbed me and forced me to suck them off. after they were done my brother told his friend to leave and he gave me a blow job cried and begged me to forgive him and told me it will never happen again. it never did (as far as him molesting or forcing me anymore) there were times i wanted so bad to get him or dad to have sex with me but both wouldn't i came to his room one night and he turned the light on and told me to leave so i didn't try again. this is the break down for him according to what he has shared on my prom night with me: he told my dad he would turn him in if he ever touch me. he and dad physically fought over that. he turned his friends over to him to keep me safe and sometimes himself. i was so gratiful to him and i willing commited incest with him that night (my prom night and i initated it he tried to say no that night but he was drunk and i didn't take no for an answer) we promised to do it again but never did and finally swore never to again. but we were both over eighteen then not that it was ok just that it wasn't molestation and we both agreed to it eventually.

After a while i got a girl friend to try to make them jealous, my dad and brother, i loved the attention they gave to that they constantly belittled me over it and it made me know that they really did want me. i started to really get close to her though and that scared me because here was this beautiful girl that i really didn't care for and i bagan to care about her because she was very awesome and sweet and gave me so much love. i was happy that she liked me so much. around this time i began acting out with other boys i heard these stupid rumors about black boys having bigger penis's so i wanted to see for myself so one of the boys in my school was in the locker room and i told him that i liked him and walked away slowly and femenately swaying my hips looking back and it worked he followed me and we touched each other and kissed and he let me suck him off (that wasn't an abuse but it was an outing out due to it i believe) the first day of my sophmore year in hs a new student was standing outside the restroom. when he went inside i followed him upset and don't know why. i slammed him against the wall and forced him to give me a blow job he was scared and did what i said i told him not to tell anyone and meet me after school i planned to do it again but when we met i felt so bad i just took him home and that was that. we became very great friends. after that he became very macho he lifted weights and ran and got into sports and he woke me up on night, when he spent the weekend at my house, and pulled my hair hard telling my to suck him off. i did and after he was done he went back to sleep. he did this to get even and we never talked about either incident til earlier yesterday afternoon i approached him about it and we talk it through. he is my best friend and getting married soon. i'm gonna be his best man. (on another note my girlfriend and i are engaged to but no date is set. and we finally made love and it was beautiful) there were a good twenty to thirty older than eighteen year old men that i had oral sex with when going to the city once i learned that i could make money for it and this led to a guy who offered me two hundred dollars at a park that was known for underage boys saling themselves for money. i went to his house with him and he held me captive for three days torturing and raping me i escaped and flagged a car down and was taken to a local hospital. back in my town people speculated that i ran away when the hospital noted the buises and the fact that i was sexually abused the town was in shock. my brother thinking it was my dad who did it turned him in and it was the shock of the town. now my dad's in prison and we, my brother and i, visit him at least four times a year and we write him monthly.

sorry i can't talk much about the three day ordeal but still to painful it was horrible. i will probably do one more survivor story with more information on some things don't know if i can bring out the details of those days though but who knows thanks for listening and take care