I understand where you are coming from about pride. Honer is what makes people strive for justice. Its why you dont give up even though you feel you cant win. Its good to have pride.
I always wanted to be a fighter, like a soldier. But when i got older i saw that it was just a bunch of tired, jaded old men sending kids out to die on lost causes. I didnt want to die for nothing. I have no illusions about war. Its worse than i can imagine. Thats why i wanted to be a fighter in the first place, because i knew if people like me didnt fight for what they believe in, then nobody would. I'm still trying to decide which side im on, who to fight and how to do it. I still want to put my life on the line, i want to do what nobody else will.
Feeling doesnt make you weaker, it makes you stronger. People bury their emotions when they have to, but hanging onto to emotions is why they do it in the first place. If you didnt believe in something good and noble in yourself and in the world, you wouldnt have bothered to survive. I used to think about death all the time. I still do. I would actually get mad at myself for hanging on to life so hard. I think to myself, for fucks sake, just give up already! Youve lost! there is nothing more to gained from staying here and being in pain. For once just be mercifull to yourself where others have not. But i couldnt. I want to live so bad i became a masochist, i just started eating pain like it was candy. If i was in pain i knew i was still alive, i was still fighting.
But my mind got stuck like that. When opportunities came around to have something real, to feel something good, id know it wouldnt last, it was just a trick. In trying to stay alive, i blocked out everybody and everything. I lost sight of what i was fighting for, and for good reason. But my eyes are open now, there is whole world outside my shitty little room. I can do anything i want, make any choices i feel are right, anything! im free to love and cry and hate and be a real human being, not just a cardboard cut out of a soldier. I can be a real fighter, someone who fights for what they believe in, who fights because he gives a shit what happens in this miserable little mudball we call earth.
Dont run from the good things in life man. Its all youve got, and probably all your ever going to have. Maybe we live after we die, maybe not, but for us, here and now, this is ALL WE HAVE. I dont want to piss it away. Dont let your pride keep people away, dont lose your faith in people.