Hi Guys. I know this topic has probably been discussed by others but I felt the need to post for myself. I am a survivor of CSA. Too this day I have issues with my body. I feel so much guilt and shame with it. Nothing seems to feel right and then I compare myself to guys who are ripped and I feel fat and ugly. Other people have told me I have more of a swimmers build but I can't really tell. I have a hard time believing what others say. I also am struggling with my sexuality. My OCD can take control and ruin my day obsessing about my sexuality. I look at gay, straight and bi porn. In some ways I feel this need to please other guys. I wonder if that has to do with my abuse and that I was in some ways pleasing my abuser? Maybe? I honestly don't know. I see other guys and get jealous cause I think they are good looking and I see them getting the girls and I feel like I let myself fall or be pushed to the sideline. I know I hear this all the time, your unique and your special. I sure as hell don't feel unique and special I feel awkward and uncomfortable. Some of my fantasies play over into the role of becoming other males because of their physique and confidence in themselves. I've also I think I've sexualized myself that I fantasize about being a stripper or a male porn star. I don't know what it is about these careers. I think its the idea of being touched. I've learned in psychology classes that I've taken that human touch and contact is important for survival. If you don't get touched by others, and I don't mean sexually, but hugs and appropriate touch are very important in our growth and health in living as humans. I have days where I just don't know if I'm gay, straight or bi and that drives me insane. Some days I think I'm gay, other days I think I'm straight and then I have days where I say: "No Charlie your bi and you like men and women." My OCD doesn't really help much cause I just seem to obsess about it. I wonder if in some ways I've become addicted to sex. Guys I know I'm saying a lot but I need to get it out. Don't have any outlets for myself. Pretty lonely guy. I also seem to have days where I just don't want to be me. I have to believe that a majority of my problems come from being abused and why I can't seem to find and maintain male friendships. I can remember the last true male friend I had in my life was back in elementary school. I remember one day he was at my parents house and told me he didn't want to be friends any more. I don't remember the specifics but I haven't had a good friend since. I miss that so much and crave it so badly. I think I try to hard and then other guys get suspicious and think I want to get into their pants. I don't want to feel ashamed of myself. People often tell me how kind and caring I am as person. They always say: "Charlie your such a nice guy." I always thank them but I mean I really wonder about myself. Thanks guys for listening/reading. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Charlie.