I was sexually abused twice: once at 4 and again when I was 17 by a personal trainer who was gay. I've always been sexually attracted to women, but being abused by men while young (especially a gay man) fostered a very toxic gender-identity confusion. Now, six years into my recovery, I find myself at a crossroads again. I completely self-identify as a heterosexual male, but I sometimes look at gay pornography. It's a compulsion. I don't want to look at it (the gay porn), nor do I enjoy it. But (as anyone who understands sexuality knows) there are many layers of meaning and emotion that I'm struggling with. I'm specifically only aroused by extremely muscular men in the gay porn. Please understand that sexual arousal does NOT mean enjoyment or orientation. I tend to look at the gay porn when I'm feeling especially bad about myself, feeling sexually unattractive, or out of control, etc. I'm obviously projecting upon these model/Adonis-like men, wishing that I had their bodies. I look at (and enjoy) straight porn, but the men in the straight porn never have the physiques of the gay performers. So here's my dilemma = I feel guilt when I find myself looking at the gay porn (before, during, and after). I consciously avoid ejaculating while looking at the gay porn because it's traumatizing/victimizing, reinforces further confusion, and I just don't plain enjoy it. I'm at a loss...I so badly want a girlfriend, but don't know how to explain myself or have my sexual needs met without viewing 'gay porn.'
*A little about me: Art history student, competitive bodybuilder, personal trainer, (hopefully you can see that beauty and body image are obsessions of mine).