I have been dealing with the full effects of CSA since August 2007 and sexuality confusion since November 2007. I have since been attracted to both men and women at various times. My erotic thoughts are of women, I have used gay pornography and straight for that matter. I developed a fear of the female genitals about the same time I started doubting my sexuality. All these feelings led me to think that I was gay. I was in therapy for some time and I have just finished about 2 weeks ago.
I have been friends with a woman whom I attempted to date on 2 occasions only to see it end due to my fear and doubts of my orientation. She has supported me repeatedly throughout this process and has assured me she will see me through.
I followed the advice of a brother here at MS and decided that sexuality should not be the focal point of my recovery. I made progress in therapy and felt I could brave the world. I accepted my attractions for what they were and did accord much importance to them.
I was continuously hanging out with the woman and she makes me happy and makes me smile. I have felt attracted to her on more than one occasion. The feelings I had for her were consistent enough for me to act on them. I got sexual with her this past Friday and Sunday. Since then my self esteem has been in shambles. I am nervous and anxious, I doubt everything and yes of course my sexuaity yet again.
I am tired of this constant struggle, every time I try entering a relationship with this woman I feel vulnerable and beat down. Having sex seems to completely demoralize me until eventually I want to hide, I have no motivation, I can't sleep, I can't eat and sex is the last thing on my mind.
I just don't understand what is happening, it felt so right to pursue more with this woman but now all I could think of is I am gay just deal with it and come out. These feelings predominate my thoughts these last few days and they will not stop. Am I doomed like this forever? I don't know if this a sign that I am gay or just fear of a new relationship. Any perspective would greatly be appreciated. I feel permanently triggered here and I hate it to no end. I want to live a normal life!
I am the warrior.