To Ken Singer, yes there was physical contact, but not when he masturbated. There was a period of time where what went on was what I would call the "doctor" period, and that was more or less just the two of us sitting there checking each other out the way some little kids do. There was an element of mystery there because he wasn't circumcised and I was, so we used to wonder what was different. Eventually that moved into frotteurism initiated by him when people weren't around, and at the same time everytime I had to use the toilet he would come and watch, and if he had to use the bathroom he would ask me to come in and watch, and then he would fondle me. Don't remember if I fondled him, I assume I probably did though.


From then on it progressed to him trying to sleep naked in the same bed as me when he stayed over. Around that same time he would frequently pester me to give him oral sex, which I refused. Then he would ask if he could do it on me, which I again refused, but eventually he would always wear me down and then do it on me or have me do it to him.

Then there was the aforementioned masturbation incident, which is one of the most vivid memories I have. I wouldn't describe how I felt as turned on, but I was definitely kind of in awe of how he could do that, how his penis got larger, etc. Also the first time I ever saw somebody ejaculate semen, so there were a lot of "firsts" right there for me. He never tried to make me do it to him or made me try to do it, just told me that one day I would be able to do it when I got to puberty and started turning into a man or something along those lines. Then for years I would obsess about being inadequate because I couldn't ejaculate as far as he did, my penis wasn't as big, etc etc. And I remembered I was literally obsessed with trying to make it bigger and hoping and wishing it would get bigger, etc. Then when I first started masturbating I felt guilty because I connected it then with my "perverted cousin", but it felt so good and it was so much fun. Of course once I figured out most boys did it then I felt much better, but I still felt inadequate. Even today I do sometimes, but I know I'm average and don't worry much about it.

Anyways, the last of it that I can remember was when asked if any of us (me, my sister, and his sister) were willing to have sex with him. I knew that sex was supposedly something a man did with a woman to make a baby and that people who loved each other did it, so when my female cousin and my sister said no, I said ok, because I figured I had already been down that road and men couldn't have sex anyways because they couldn't get pregnant. He tried to penetrate me, but I remember it feeling really cold so I yelped a little bit and said I didn't want to do it. Then he asked if I wanted to do it to him, so I said ok I'd try. I stood there with my penis right there but had no erection (don't ever recall having one during any of these episodes, just later when it stopped) and couldn't penetrate him, and that's when my Mom opened the bathroom door and we both pulled our pants up and said nothing was going on. Next I saw him after that I must have been a little older than 10 or 11, and actually got an erection right when I saw him. I still can't figure that one out, but by that point since the abuse had ended there was a period of time where I just assumed, since I hadn't had many friends, that examining your friends penis and all that other shit was kind of normal but not talked about. I never ever connected it to a sexual thing until later in my teens, it was just an aspect some guys apparently had in their friendships, even though after my cousin I never had another relationship like that. Confusing huh?

We still saw each other a lot, but after I told him that my parents knew about everything that happened cause I got scared, things changed and the sexual stuff stopped and by all accounts we had a normal relationship for a few years. That was also when one of my other cousins who was a little bit older than the first one would come and visit us from Scotland during the holidays, and the three of us just used to hang out and rough house and have a good time in general. It was like he was there to be my older cousins closer older friend, and so I stopped getting that "attention" if you want to call it that. Then when I was around 14 I stopped seeing the cousin who was molesting me because he got diagnosed as being bipolar manic/depressive and his family just stopped coming around.

Then my parents split, his parents split, and I don't think I saw him again for another three or four years, and by then he was just an utter train wreck. Gained tons of weight, visibly depressed, and just awkward to be around.

It was also around that time that my Scottish cousin stopped coming around as much, and until this very moment I don't think I ever realized that for all the damage that the first cousin did, the Scottish one kind of helped to undo. He often gave me tips on how to pick up girls, such gems as "listen man, if you really want to get a lady and you're desperate, just lower your standards a bit and find some other chick who you know is dying to get laid and get it out of the way and get some practice under your belt". But it wasn't creepy, it was in a funny context. He also often called my favorite kinds of music "Christian Child Eating-Church Burning Devil Music", which is odd because he looked like more of a metal head than I did. He was a bit of a relief though, a normal cousin who wasn't trying to fuck with me who was like a cool older brother type figure. But anyways, right around the time he went back to Scotland the molester cousin showed up again and it was just strange. Still see him every few years, and he's more depressed and out there and disconnected every time I see him. I don't think talking to him is an option, and given the laundry list of mental disorders he has going on I don't think I could have any sort of productive conversation with him.

I'm not sure confrontation would do anything at this point. When I told him the jig was up it was long before my mind started putting a sexual spin on those experiences, and when they did become sexualized by me trying to "become"(right expression?) like my cousin, who I suppose I saw as the end all be all of male sexual prowess for some reason, that was when I realized something bizarre was going on from those parts of my childhood that "weren't a big deal".


Also, this is odd but I figured I'd put this out there, often times the kids who picked on me the worst in middle school or high school after that were kids I would fantasize about having sex with each other. I guess in a way that was my way of seeing them as being emasculated, and I think that made me feel like I wasn't this big wimp that they were making me out to be, they were the "fags", not me, even though thats what they called me. Physcially I was enormous compared to most kids I went to school with. At 13 I was 5'9" and 175 pounds. Why I felt intimidated or threatened by these other kids I will never know, but that was the pattern. Of course over time I think I got used to that and confused it with sexual behavior, and then it became that any person I felt like I wanted to be friends with so I could be one of the "cool" kids I would have the same kind of fantasy about. One of my therapists says that often occurs in some boys who have never been abused but just want greater acceptance or recognition from their peers.


Anyways, to sum it up, I didn't feel turned on physically by any of the things my cousin did to me until after the abuse. After those experiences I would try and find anything with a hole in it that I thought I could fit my penis into to try and "have sex with it". Dry humping stuff too, but in like third grade. Then I also had penetration fantasies about a penis going into a vagina, that was it. Disembodied organs fucking. My friendship boundaries were pretty screwed up for a long time too, because for a long time my only consistent friendship was with my cousin. That behavior was all I really knew for a friendship. I'm just dying to finally work through this and gain enough strength to just move on with my life and see it all fall away. I'm also lonely, I want a relationship, and my gut feels it should be with a girl who I can really trust who will really love and accept the hurtin' son of a bitch that I am. I'm trying to find that little kid inside of me and trying to comfort him and tell him he's ok and nobody has the power to hurt him again, and that he's strong and always was strong, he just got manipulated and ended up getting lost. Sorry to ramble, it's late, I have work in the morning, and this has been on my mind for the past week. Tahnk you all for the input though.