"I have never been angry about it towards him since this day though. He wasn't an adult and neither was I, we were both kids. I truly believe somebody was doing fucked up shit to him, and that I was just a victim of his acting out."

Andy, I relate to this a lot. My abuse was almost 3 years older than me, and still a child. I finally confronted him and found out he'd been abused. I never, every thought to consider that before I got into recovery.

I do agree what activtities the abuser has you engage in are often the area of struggle for acting out, regardless of your orientation. Things get imprinted on you somehow. A first experience is very powerful. Someone you look up to and admire is very powerful. Your little mind can't process all those feelings. What you know is that he wouldn't hurt me, so it must really be ok.

You sound straight to me, but the danger is that the acting out can become progressive, harming other areas of your life. Therapy and support and being able to talk about this are important I think, so I'm glad you are here.

Richard