Okay I had to clear some dust off of this but just for those of you I do not know or have not met yet - this is my life.
I have lived with my fear for so long.
I was raped when I was 19 years old. "To be exact my 20th birthday". I am now 26 years old. I did seek help from professionals. It was a very hard thing for me to do. I "expected" that by now my fears and "bad dreams" would be almost non-existent. Yet once and a while they still haunt me.
I am now on my second marriage. My first wife could not handle my emotions and nor could I blame her. Don't get me wrong -I am happier today than I was back then. But the reality of everything that happened when I was 19 years old is still pretty fresh in my mind. I questioned my own sexuality after the rape. I guess I felt really like it was all my fault. That is something I am still learning to "not" do - blame myself. But it's very difficult not too. I look back at my life and wonder what I would be like today had the rape never occurred. At one point in my life someone very close to me told me that I was raped because it was God's way of punishing me for something I had done in my life. When they said that I actually felt so ashamed of myself. I would think to myself I must be a very horrible person for God to want this to happen to me. I stopped talking to people. I stopped going out. I stopped living. I would sit in my room. I couldn't even tell my own family until 5 years after it happened. They just figured (at the time) it was just me being your "typical" teenager. I shut myself off from the world and life. This was a huge change from what I used to be like. I really used to love being around people. I was very outgoing. I trusted people with everything. I was very naive.
I married my first wife thinking maybe this would take care of everything. No more bad dreams and the whole rape would seem just like a bad dream and nothing more. I was very wrong. The dreams and life got so bad that at one point I cut my own wrists. I ended up at the local mental hospital. I am certain that it was my stay at the hospital that not only saved my life but helped me deal with the pain and even the anger I had built up inside of me. My wife left me shortly after that. I do not blame her as I am positive most people could not handle the fear and confusion of wondering if your "husband" is going to make it or if one day you'll come home and find them dead on the floor. Thank God, that did not happen. I later tried my luck at marriage again. This time I married a friend I had known in high school. We hit it off. I was pretty open by then about my rape. I explained how my emotions could be like a roller coaster ride. She even went with me to some of my therapy appointments. Today I am a proud father of two boys. I worry about them ever finding out about what happened to their father. Right now they are too young to ever comprehend what I went through. Right now life is going great and I am happy and in love with my wife. But I still have the fear deep inside. I still get the bad dreams now and then. I still have to work very hard to trust people. I am told it takes time. I am also told some wounds never do fully heal.
Ok so you might be asking yourself why I posted this... I just had to get that all off my shoulders. And to ask a very serious question. Did God want this to happen to me? I have had professionals tell me "of course not" but sometimes it takes more than just a person with a degree to make it crystal clear. Sorry if I rambled. I hope this note makes some sort of sense. I also hope in some way this note may help someone who has yet to go get help. Like I said, it saved my life.
I know I did not go into detail of my rape. It was a moment in my life I guess I will never forget. Even though I wish I could.
I also recently had to come to terms with not just my gang rape but also my molestation as a child and young teen by someone I thought was not only my "babysitter" but also I thought he was a friend. It's somewhat amazing and sad at the same time the things the mind will push so hard to forget that you relive them that much more.
Gang raped on my 20th birthday, molested as a yong child. In some ways society would love for me to believe I am a man now and I can get over it. But there is still that little boy inside of me - the one who never got the chance to grow up. He went from being a care free, fun loving and trusting child to a confused, scared and untrusting adult over night. Growing up too fast with too much pain and fear. We all know that this is no way to grow up. And it is indeed no way to live.
I still believe in not being a victim but rather a survivor. No matter how hard that may be at some points in my life. I refuse to let "them" win.
Any "kind" responses would be very welcomed.
[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Gadzook ]
[ 08-14-2001: Message edited by: Gadzook ]