I think I deny myself a lot of things that would make my inner child happy. Why is that? Form of control? I don't have the answer. Probably something I should think on. But I think it's really good that you are letting little Lewis have fun in a lab.
It seems easier to have a positive self image when you start with one from childhood and are positively reinforced as you grow up. We can't change the past. The abuse, among other things, have reinforced a negative self image in us. So we have to work our way back to one. It's harder. Much, much harder. And it doesn't seem fair at all.