im a little bit more together today, not great but im thinking pretty clear. My mom and her boyfriend are drinking right now, and that probably means im ging to have to listen to a whole bunch of yelling. I used to go for a walk but the cops always stop me at night.
But on tuesday my friend is going to come over, and im going to try and get my drivers license. Then since my mom uses a government car she leaves hers home all day and i can start looking for rooms for rent. When i leave she will give me the car, because shes obligated to and usually does what she feels obligated if i make her feel guilty about it. Im going to be on her insurance for six months, but im not sure how long shell want to keep me on it if i have to tell her off, and she wants me to pay half, but i think i can get away with not paying, again, having to use guilt trip methods i hate. But what what am i going to do? I dont want to pay half just to have her take me off her policy, and i need ownership of the car before i can make sure i have my own insurance, which is expensive as hell. I dont know how people ever manage a life without going into debt in american society. I dont wanted to be owned by anyone anymore, and if you spend your whole life owing, your never free. Its the same damn thing as being stuck here for me. If i have to manipulate her to escape from her i will.
I have been reading some things about abuse by female perpatrators, and mothers, and women offenders in general, seem to be really extreme, and something about that sounds really familiar. It just keeps echoing throughout everything i do and all the ways i hurt myself, and i feel like somethings must have happened i cant remember yet, probably with my mom.
I was mostly just venting when i was talking about violence, i guess. Thier are three types of abusers, and really types of people. Thier are people who try to be good, and those who want to be but make no effort, and people who have given up on doing the right thing entirely, or never really tried in the first place. People can change, but they usually don't. I was talking mostly about the last group, and was mostly pissed at the second type allowing the third to commit attrocities in broad daylight.
See, outside of my problems and my life, the things that hurt me the most are acts of apathy. Sometimes i think more about the fact that nobody ever seemed to care what happened, nobody did anything. Its like that almost everytime something bad happens, everybody is only out to save thier own ass. Rape is a crime worse than murder, because we all die, not everybody has to live with rape.
America is a modern day rome, its falling, maybe not today, maybe not a hundred years from now, but left unchecked, the curruption at its heart will eat in from the inside out. The huge number of abusive homes, addictions, and incidents of rape are directely related to the way civilizations like ours function. Nobody wants to admit it, but the prevailent opinion in most "civilized" nations is that rape is ok as long as nobody talks about it. If you are a women, its what you want. If your a man, its because you were too weak to defend yourself. If your a child, you are property to be used as your parents wish, and if you happen to one of those unlucky, incredibly rare (1 out of 7), few, then you must go through life like nothing happened or you are a selfish child who doesnt understand that you owe an eternal debt to your parents for giving you birth. It wouldnt make me so mad if there werent so many people who believe it.
Getting angry about it makes me feel a little better, but since i cant feel angry safely here for more than a few moments, i usually end up getting pissed about other things, and that makes me feel like i cant do anything for anybody, not even myself. I dont want to forget there are other people, I dont want to let people down the way i feel i was let down, but ive got to try to take care of myself.
Well, i gotta go. Thanks for listening.