I want to say thankyou for sharing.
The fact that what happened to you was upsetting and disruptive is helpful to me in sorting out my own painful feelings.
I grew up in a very sexual family. Two of my brothers exposed me to their sexual desires when I was a boy. They were both "gentle" and I have always had a hard time convincing myself that what occurred couldn't fall under the "normal experimentation amongst siblings" category.
When I was 10 or so, while on vacation in Hawaii, an older man in his twenties invited me up to his apartment saying that he had really cool video games I could play for free. He offered me liquor and asked if I wanted to touch him. He kissed me and I shot up and excused myself and ran back to my parents' hotel. I didn't tell anyone for 15 years. That was only one of many instances where I have been propositioned and my family was not aware or helpful in protecting me.
When I went to college, I chose to live with a gay man knowing that he wanted to have sex with me. I used him so that my parents wouldn't have to pay rent for me and I wouldn't have to get a job. I used to say, "whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger".
I pretended to be gay for almost two years off and on when it was useful to me. I found so much acceptance and kindness in the gay community - not too mention a familiar landscape where older men would act sexually with me. Throughout those two years, I always dated women and that was what I really focused on.
When my roomate wanted to sleep with me, he would rent porn videos, we would get high, we would do "poppers" and then we would find a way to make each other come.
I spent many nights curled up in the shower trying to feel clean, but I hid that side so that I wouldn't have to pay rent and I could feel the admiration and love coming from this man and his gay associates. I could never kiss him.
He had power and knowledge and was 10 years older and 100 pounds heavier.
There were other times too when I said yes when I wanted to say no. It always seemed easier to not cause any trouble or dissapoint. A part of me romanticized the events, turning me into a heroic figure who could do anything.
It wasn't until I met my wife that I began to realize how deeply hurt I was and am.
I was terrified that I might have a son - because I was afraid that I wouldn't know how to set appropriate boundaries. ( so far so good [I don't worry about that anymore - thank God])
Men with Men is strangely seductive and some of us are trained by our early experiences to make the most of it. It has taken me 25 years to learn to say no every time.
A book that helped me cement my will against letting my boundaries down and seeing the truth was "people of the lie" by F. Scott Peck. That book helped me to realize that what my parents say has nothing to do with the quality of the care they provided me as a child.
They left me and my sister unsupervised while they drank and had parties. As a result, my sister was incested/-gently?raped by her two brothers and I was incested/even-gentlier?raped by my two brothers.
My sister is 2 years older than I and my brothers are 5 and 10 years older than I.
I am babbling. I could write a book.
Daily I am out of control - twitching to masturbate, I treat women as sexual objects - I am very disturbed. As I write this I am threatened by the thought that a gay man would interpret my words as proof that I am gay. I am certain I am not. I could have fucked a donkey for rent if it meant pleasing my parents and gaining admiration from my community. My whole childhood I was an outcast. For years, I never had a friend that didn't steal from me, beat me up, or spit on me. I have always been a specialist at accepting abuse of one kind or another.
Now I am ashamed that I used other people and mislead them by having sex/being sexual when I only wanted their love. My roomate cared for me deeply. If I hadn't been incested, we might have been close friends.
What hurts sometimes the most is how wicked I have been and can be. I am able to completely dissasociate. I could be a serial killer. ( except I know right and wrong and the guilt of what I have done and the pain of what I have suffered is all too real to me. )
I want to live in a good world where evil is banished.
I must stop now.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."