Hello. I have read some of the stories on this and similar pages, and feel the urge to tell my own story. I have never told anyone before, even though I now am 31, and this happened when I was 19. It changed my life for sure, even though it was a single incident. My method of coping has been similar to many of yours; I was too embarrased to tell anybody, and I sort of managed through the day anyway, although I slowly drifted into a loner/outsider position from which I am only slowly beginning to break loose.

I had just moved to a new, big city. One friday night as I was walking home from town, I was approached by a man 10 years my senior. I was quite drunk and can only remember bits and pieces of it all. He asked me to join him for a joint in his flat, which I accepted. At his place, I slowly understood that he had interests in the male sexual department, which I never had had. The next thing I remember is sitting on his sofa, while he is sucking my penis. I may have dozed off, and then he made his move, or I may have been awake all along, I donīt know. Smoking a joint did not in any case clear my drunken mind. I remember sensing in a kind of haze what was going on, and the next thing I know we were in bed together. One thing is for sure, my sober self would have run for his life. My drunk self didnīt (thatīs part of the reason for the embarassment I have always felt, why did I go along?). Anyway, I have a clear recollection of him exciting me sexually and me thinking, as I put his penis in my mouth "Well, thereīs gotta be a first time for everything", or some such thing. When he turned me over on my stomach and tried to enter from behind, my daze lifted, I got to my feet, got my clothes, and ran. I remember him standing (naked) in the doorway, asking me "Did you know that you were gay?". That question throbbed in my mind as I awoke next morning - to a new and surreal world. I had had sex with a man. Who was I? One thingīs for sure, before it happened I was your ordinary happy-go-lucky teenager, with women as my sole object of desire. Now I felt ashamed and alone. I resigned my job shortly afterwards, began drinking to the point of blackouts each weekend, something I did for the next two years. I started to hang out with drunks, I kept to myself. Each morning I hoped to wake up realizing it all had been a bad dream. Part of the reason for this was that I could no longer view a male body "neutrally", as I did before, it was becoming clear to me that the incident had - somewhere in my brain - implanted a connection between the sight of a male sexual organ an me feeling aroused. I remember buying beers, sitting in graveyards in the middle of the day, looking at gravestones, thinking you lucky bastards.

Social anxiety ensued. The word gay, when turning up in a conversation, made me shiver. I felt like a spy with a terrible secret, I lost connection with my old friends, I could only relate properly when I was drunk.

Somehow, I have coped along the years. I have a few friends now, and a girlfriend. They know nothing about this. My problem is, should I tell them? What if they donīt understand. I mean, I myself donīt really understand my own feelings after all these years. I am afraid to lift the lid, yet I recognize that going on like I do (although my day-to-day life has somehow "found itīs pattern" and improved over the years) is hazardous to my emotional life. Itīs like a wall of glass somewhere, a guard that never gets relaxed - emotionally or intellectually. What shall I do? "Come out" as a bisexual, even though my heart is not in the gay thing (men hold no romantic fascination for me)? Wouldnīt I risk alienation from my girlfriend and friends? Keep my secret, and risk emotional damage? The thing is, I really canīt afford a therapist, itīs barely that I can pay my rent, working free-lance and not getting too many jobs.

Anyway, itīs been nice talking to you all. Websites like this should have been around 12 years ago, maybe things would have been different for me then. Good luck to all of you, many whom I see is in a much bigger predicament than myself.