Once again, I feel like a freak, like I don't fit in and like I just don't belong to this world. It's been pretty rough for me lately. A lot of memories have been haunting me and robbing me of sleep. A lot of new stress where I am currently working is making my days pure hell. This place is so full of triggers for me.
Then I get thinking about my mom from time to time and I just so badly wish I could just see her, talk to her, hug her. It really hurts badly at times. I really miss her and some days I really get scared knowing she is gone.
The only thing I asked my family for was that I wanted a picture of her. Just a simple request. I don't want anything but a current picture. And what is the response... silence,, fuck you we don't give a shit to care about what you want. So I am reduced to emailing her place of employment to see if they have a picture. I hope they come through and at least they did respond to me that they are looking for one. A picture is a small thing, but when you don't have much of her around you, it is a very big thing. It just hurts....
Food still doesn't taste good. I do eat, but not all that good right now. My body has shut down sexually it seems like. Anger has increased so much.. and my feelings, they seem as if they have vanished. I know my therapist and I were talking about how I feel as if my feelings are just locked up inside of me and I can't get them out..
Just kind of tough right now for me as I really feel like I am just suspended in life and getting hit by everything the wind blows by me. Its starting to really hurt a lot. I'm not sure where the other side of this is at but I keep hoping that the other side exists... because if it doesn't, there is no sense going through this torture.
And then there are the questions of why? Why was I chosen to endure this life of pain that I have endured?