Sorry i havnt posted in a while, been dealing with a lot of new stuff.
Anybody else here feel like the more they change the worse things around them get? Now that my depressions lifting, im begining to feel what REAL pain is. My medication got upped, and its been helping.
My friend, who is dealing with problems of his own, is stalling on me, saying he wants to save up a ton of money before he moves, close to 3000. He has a lot of legitimate reasons, but i think he has a lot of legitimate fears too. I've decided i cant wait for him anymore, so im going to rent a room for a month and see if i can set a precedent for him. He'll have enough money by then, and if he decides to leave, good for him, if not, then tough shit for me, i guess. I bought a computer with him, so ill have to share it regardless.
I keep getting scared, because everything i know keeps getting flipped upsidedown. I'm pretty sure (for those of you who remember) that the black, resiny, smelly substance little plastic container i found in my houses medicine cabinet was herion, and I think my mom and her boyfriend are addicts. Worse, my moms boyfriend is supposed to do masonry, and works as a parttime handyman, but since all he does is sit around all day, im wondering if hes really a dealer.
Im also begining to recognize how dependant i am on my mom. She does everything for me, she handles every phone call i need to make, every piece of paperwork. And I see how sometimes she manipulates me into doing things i dont want to do.
Im noticing too that my mom might be abusing me sexually in a more subtle way than my brother did. She makes inappropriate comments, calls me by pet names, and sometimes touches me in ways that arent as direct, but make me feel really uncomfortable. I can only think about it, i cant really feel it, because i am still living with her and i need to get out.
I have enough money, but i am really scared trying to move out. I get nervous trying to call up people in the paper who have a room for rent, and really have no idea what to say or do, im just winging it and hoping ill figure it out. Im also scared that ill fuck up and start crying like i did last time, and not be able to pick up the phone again. I keep crying for no reason, and keep thinking all kinds of things that keep wearing me down. I know that the processes of my mind are protecting me, but i also know its hiding me from the truth. If your not in control of your mind, what the hell do you have? I keep thinking everything has an ulterior motive, that everybody is out to hurt me in some way. I know its not true, but i just cant let the thought go and it scares the shit out of me. I'm scared that i live in a world without hope, where everything is just a cruel nightmare designed to torment me. I'm trying to leave, and im trying to change, and im trying to learn to love myself, but sometimes thats all it feels like, trying.
Peace and Love to everbody man. The two most important things in life are not to give up, and not to stop feeling. The first is easy, the second one is what gets me. Later.
PS urso, if your still around, post back if you get the chance.